I've been feeling some better this week. AF has been kind of drawn out, but is pretty much gone, and I think my chemical balance has improved. I was having a bad day last Wednesday, and DH said something about drugs. He wants me to smile all the time, and that's not what life is all about. I don't think I have severe depression, and I really avoid taking anything I don't have to take. I took some ibuprofen for a headache yesterday, but do not really believe in better living through chemistry. I only took two of the pain pills I was prescribed after my retrieval, so I still have nearly the whole bottle. I avoid taking anything most of the time, except when I have bad cramps ( and then I thank God for blessing the person who invented ibuprofen with that knowledge).

Still no luck with the job search. No calls, no interviews, nothing. This morning I sent some demos to a couple of production companies in town. I'd love to get some supplemental voicework, but I also let both of them know I'm open to fulltime work. If there'd been a major in recording studio technology at my college when I was there, that's what I would have majored in. I went though most of high school thinking I'd major in music, but before my senior year, I decided I didn't really want to teach and didn't think I had the discipline or talent, really, to be a performance major. I'm sure there are other things I could've done with music, but I moved toward TV production or computer science. Didn't get far with the computer science stuff, but I did enjoy broadcasting pretty well. If they'd had a pop music major, hoo boy!! Although my love of that did help me in radio.

I've been all alone in the office the past two days. The only other full-timer is on vacation, and the lady who used to be an owner is also on a trip. She'll be back tomorrow, though.

So, if I can talk you into watching Sealab 2021 on Cartoon Network some night, you've got to see the "Chickmate" episode. Debbie's gotta have a baby!

Eek! I did it! I emailed a resume to the GM at my former company, where I had my last radio job. It feels a little like groveling, although the people responsible for my being sacked are gone. My despicable former PD (whom I'd thought was something approximating a friend) has gone all the way to Detroit, and the former GM is gone, too. I never did know why I was fired. I think it was really because I had expressed an interest in being on the morning show on one of our company's other stations. I don't know. I was very depressed yesterday when I found out the PBS opening had been filled and I didn't even get an interview. But as hubby said, they may have know who they were going to hire all along. I hit up one of my bosses (who's retiring) to help me with my search, and I think I'm going to have to hound her, but I don't care at this point.

Will have to do heavy-duty networking at the high school reunion next month if I don't have a job by then. I'd love to get a job in the old hometown anyway. I'm starting to dread the reunion now. I'll have to hear about everybody's kids and be asked if we have any about a million times.

Seems that it may have worked--yay! And I've got the rest of my June posts back if you're interested. I'll get this figured out yet.

Trying new comments. (suspenseful music) will it work?

Met with RE yesterday. Asked if he thought a laparoscopy was in order-- he said yes, so it's scheduled for 9/11. Yikes! I'm a little nervous, although I had my gallbladder out in 1990, and suppose this will be similar. Another scar for my navel, I guess. He said it's possible any liquid collected in my left tube could be going back into my uterus, preventing implantation. I hope they don't have to take my tube out, but nothing's happened anyway, so I guess it wouldn't make things worse. It'd be so great if they cleaned out some endometriosis or found some other minor problem and we got pregnant on our own. Probably too much to hope for, though.

The RE gave me a web site address yesterday with companies that supposedly include IVF or other IF procedures in their benefits. Since I haven't exactly had a stellar career to this point, I'm open to anything, I guess. There are a couple of stores (Dillard's, Casual Corner) that are included on the list. I suppose I could do retail, but I don't exactly relish the thought of being on my feet all day. I worked at Sears part-time several Christmases ago, and I really did enjoy it. Don't know. Job searching is so frustrating.

I guess I'll pull all the adoption literature back out and start reading up. It'll be awhile before we can get anything in motion--we've got to get some of this debt paid off. I know my Mom and Dad will be glad to help, but I'm so independent, I hate to ask anyone for help. Besides, how fair would it be to bring a child into our lives and say, well, you can't go to college, you can't have any clothes, or any toys, or probably much in the way of food, but you're here, by golly! Actually, DH floated an idea the other day, one that especially came up when we considered the possibility of twins. He said we'd have to move if we had kids, and I definitely agree. I don't think our neighborhood is the greatest for kids, and we don't live near good schools. Plus, daycare would've been difficult with our money situation. He said something about selling our house and living in the house on his farm. We'd have to make a lot of improvements there, there's not even any hot water, but it's something to think about. I'd never thought about being a SAHM, I never considered that it would be an option for me. My mom was, well she actually taught one year after I was born, but couldn't stand picking me up at the sitter and hearing all about what I'd done during the day, so she quit. That was the 60s, of course, so it was more the norm anyway. My sister hasn't worked since my niece was born 3 1/2 years ago, either. Of course her husband has a fabulous job, so they can afford it. We could too, if we could learn to stick to a budget. It would make certain things possible, like adopting an older or special needs child. I've not wanted to look into older children, mainly because I didn't want to immediately dump them into child care. That doesn't seem fair. But if we could work out a way for me to be home, it would definitely be a possibility.

I'm adding some other blogs to my list, from moms who've adopted. I've dropped in on their blogs before, and I'm pretty sure they're going to be much more pertinent to me. They're wonderful, at any rate.

I've known for 8 years that I might never have a baby. It seems more final now, though.

Friday was a bad day at work. More boredom, nothing to do, and if there is something to do, it's making copies, answering phones, yada yada. Plus, hubby said he was going to the farm this weekend, and I really did not want that. And I didn't say so. I don't, most of the time. Of course, then I would have been mad when he came home today, and we'd (I'd) have gone through one of those "if you loved me, you'd KNOW you should've stayed home". I try not to be that kind of wife, although I do think these things. I was thinking about just having ice cream for supper--wasn't very hungry anyway. Well, he didn't go to the farm, and he made eggplant parmesan, with eggplant, tomatoes and basil fresh from the garden. Oh my, it was great, and I was of course hungry as soon as I caught a whiff of the basil. He did go to the country yesterday morning, but I was fine with it by then, and did a lot of running around pissing money away. I bought martini glasses plus a mixing glass, a Matchbox Twenty CD (it's great), a cappucino, and I got my car washed at a full-service carwash, and it looks great inside and out. Did some crying yesterday, but that was at least partly due to PMS ( as was Friday, I suppose). I have a cuddly kitty in my lap right now and she's very comforting.

I have gone through many emotions the past few days. I have been a Christian all my life and I know God has a plan for me, but I keep questioning what it is. And then I feel guilty for questioning. And then I get mad for feeling guilty. Vicious cycle. I'm 38, and I certainly haven't had much of a career yet. I had one job that I liked, and I really liked it for about a year. Then it was yanked out from under me 2 months after I got engaged. I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like such a failure sometimes, although I know I'm not really. I often have Colonel Sanders in the back of my mind. Not the chicken, but the fact that he was not successful until he was in his 60s, and then he was very successful. I don't want to wait until I'm in my 60s, though.

Feeling talky today... My dr. wants me to take birth control pills to get my estrogen/ovaries back in line. I'm really not inclined to take any more medicine at this point. He didn't suggest this last year. I wish money weren't an object and we could try IVF again ( I keep thinking "one more time"). I've heard of people trying it 7 or 8 times and I think that's scary, because I just wonder how good it can be to manipulate your body that much. But the whole process is kind of addictive, and I guess I'm not too weird for thinking that, some people on the message boards say they miss it. I think it's kind of a selfish thing--"it's all about me ". It's not really, because it's about hubby, too, but still... Plus, it puts the possibility of being pregnant a bit closer for awhile, anyway.

Thank you to everyone who sent me a condolence email--they are very much appreciated. I was able to visit my message boards and read notes without crying this morning, I did lots of that last night (puffy eyes this morning, not pretty). DH was judging fish tanks at the state fair, and I'm kind of glad, although I did want him home around 9P or so.

I was relatively constructive last night and got some radio airchecks edited and ready to mail to stations. I don't really miss radio, but I do miss that remote appearance money! $100 an hour for standing around at a store for 2 hours is pretty good work. 2 of those a month makes an extra $5000 a year--not too shabby. I haven't heard anything from any of the other resumes I've sent out. I applied online for a position at the University of Louisville the other day, the benefits there would probably be good.

Goals right now:
Lose about 30 pounds (12 or so by my reunion next month)
Get another job
Write my movie.

So the HPT was right. Barring any financial miracles, no more IVFs for us. My Jeopardy winnings paid for the first one, and this second one has gone on credit cards, and I just can't do that again. I guess I could get a job at Walgreen's --I hear their insurance covers it. I'll pop in here every now and then I guess, but we've got to get some of this debt paid off before we move on to adoption. I am going to ask our doctor if he thinks I should get a lap to see what's going on on my left side, and also if there would be any point in our trying IUIs (I don't know if hubby's sperm count is too low for that or not). Very sad.

I used it. It was negative. I know, it could be a false negative, but ... I haven't totally given up, but at least I'm expecting bad news, so good news would be a huge surprise.

I didn't take the test--yet. I decided I should at least get through my PIO shot tonight. If I have a negative, that shot would be very depressing. When I got the 5 on my beta last year, I still had to take 2 more shots, even though I knew they were pointless. And going in for the other beta was a downer, too--we were assuming it was back down to zero, and it was. I'm up and down about whether I think I'm pregnant or not. I don't seem to have as many symptoms, then again, most of the people with BFPs seem to have given up hope before the test (unless they've had positive HPTs). One more day...sigh.

I have caved. There's a First Response Early Result test sitting under my desk. I discussed taking an HPT with DH a few days ago, and he said "but the dr. said not to". Last year, DH said I should take one, but I waited. I know, it's only 2 days, but I'd like to have some idea of what the call will be. Wednesday is going to suck. Sitting here at work, being bored, just waiting for 12:30 so I can go home and wait some more. The nurse has been calling me at about 1PM this year. I guess I'd better leave her a message to call my cell phone and not my work number. I think I want to go ahead and test because the people on my boards have been doing so, varied results. And I'm seeing such sad stuff, betas that don't rise enough, people who lose twins at 22 weeks, etc. I should probably just stay away from message boards, but they're very addictive, plus the support is so nice.

So, do I take the HPT today or wait until tomorrow morning? I guess I'll wait. It's just one day before my beta, so it should be pretty accurate. I've felt good about this whole cycle until earlier today when I checked my CM. It's thin, like it usually is before AF, but there's some white in it, and it's usually just clear when AF is on the way. I wish I didn't worry about every little thing.

Here's the main thing I don't like about my clinic: the embryologists send a letter to let you know about the quality of the remaining embryos. That really upset me last year. I really think they should call people and tell them if they're able to freeze any or not. I'm assuming we didn't this year, just like we didn't last year. We should have had 5 left over, but the doctor seemed to think 3 might be abnormal. I don't know about the other two. When I fill out my evaulation this time, I'm going to complain about the lack of communication again. I called last year and got the bad news on the phone. At least I'm more prepared for it this time.

OK, I'm only taking Wednesday afternoon off, hopefully that will make co-worker happier.

Had a dream a couple of nights ago that a dr. (don't know who she was, she wasn't one of mine) was talking about what we should do next to have a baby. I kept saying, we've still got a week to go before we even test. It wasn't really positive or negative, but it made me kind of sad anyway.

Didn't feel very crampy yesterday until I got home, and then only a couple which didn't last very long. 5 days, 5 days, 5 days.

Still looking for signs (stop me, I wouldn't be more than 8 days pregnant)... I went to the grocery on my way home yesterday and it was very cold, causing my nipples to be very perky. And...they hurt! Don't recall ever feeling that before, to that extent, anyway. I also felt dizzy at one point while stirring up some raisin rice pudding (from an Uncle Ben mix, very good, by the way). I had a major cramp on my right side, too, which I'd like to put down to implantation, but I'm reading far too much into it. Can't help it.

I think I'm taking next Wednesday off work. That will leave my only fulltime co-worker by himself, and I don't think he's thrilled, but he'll live. All I've been doing is answering phones, and they are NOT busy. The lady who used to be one of the partners in our business is still working on a nearly full-time basis, but she takes Wednesdays off. I do not want to be working when I get my call. I was last year, and it was rotten.

Can I take a nap for a week? That's how long it is until my beta. August 13th. And work is still so boring. Another nail in the coffin yesterday--we didn't get some hoped-for business. I actually found a couple of interesting postings in Careerbuilder today. One as Assistant Marketing Director at a local mall, and the other as a Production Assistant at our PBS station. I hope I at least get called back for an interview, but I suppose the PBS position will only pay peanuts. Of course, I'm only making peanuts now!

My ovaries are still feeling tender. I always think people are silly to look for signs of pregnancy at this point, but of course, I am. I'm checking out my boobs a lot, but of course anything I feel or notice is probably just from progesterone right now. I've got to have some activities to fill up this weekend, or I'll go nuts!

I was a bit nervous about it, but our doctor suggested putting back 4 embryos, so we did. Yikes! It worries me some, but then I think, we put in 3 last year and didn't have any babies, so shouldn't worry about one extra. Maybe if we had done that last year...

The embryologist called Saturday morning and told us we had an 8-cell embryo, a 6, 3 5s and the other 4 were smaller, but still growing. While in the waiting room at the Fertility Center (they'd gotten behind), I told DH I wondered if the embies could've grown any in the last few hours. Turns out, they had! The embryologist mentioned a very nice 7-cell when she came to talk to us, and I'm thinking that's the one that's going to make us a mommy and daddy since it stepped up at the last moment! That one went in, of course, along with the 8, a 6 and a 5. They were all "B" quality, we didn't have any "A"s last year either, bummer. I had to have a full bladder and it was REALLY uncomfortable and my right ovary was hurting. The RE seemed to be very happy, however, and told us we've done everything we can do. He does seem to think there's a problem with my left side (ovary, tube, or something). I don't know if it would make any sense to have a laparoscopy to see what's going on or not. My insurance wouldn't cover it if it's fertility-related, but if there's an actual problem, I suppose it would. I do have twinges of pain on that side more often.

I've felt more tender and a little nauseous this time after transfer and I don't remember that from last time, but I could just be blocking it out. I have to have progesterone shots every night and they produce symptoms that mimic pregnancy, so I really have to ignore lots of the things I feel. The RE was trying to convince us not to try any home pregnancy tests. I didn't last year, but I've been thinking about doing one this year the day before my beta. I've had a talk with the embies and told them that 2 of them should just help the other 2 to stick. I did dream on Saturday night that we had a positive beta test. I'm really hoping that's my body telling me something!

Well, I'm hoping this is a good sign. The whole retrieval process was MUCH better than last year. The stick in my hand didn't hurt much, it seemed to go really fast (of course, I was drugged), I didn't have much pain at all when I got home, and I never threw up, although I was pretty nauseous a couple of times. I'm so glad I took the 2 days off from work this time. I think I was really supposed to anyway, because I wasn't supposed to drive for 24 hours after the procedure. I remember that I asked last year if I could work, though, since I have a desk job, and they said it would be OK. I feel pretty darned good today, except for hot flashes from the progesterone shots and I also feel burpy, but I'll put that down to the shots, too.

They got 18 eggs, 1 more than last year, not bad for an old chick. Normally, I don't think 38 is old, but when it comes to fertility... They were able to perform ICSI on 17 eggs, and we've got 9 that fertilized normally. I'm scheduled for my transfer tomorrow morning at 11:45, but they're telling me I'm still a candidate for 5-day transfer. I'm not holding my breath, it was a 3-day last year. I'd like to think our embryos are better quality this time, though, and if we get any to blasts, they'd only put 2 back. I'm torn, I'd like to get them back where they belong, in my womb, but the chances for success would be so high if we could get them to 5 days--the embryologist said 75%. Wow!! I still don't know whether to hope for twins or just one. If we're able to freeze any and we have a successful pregnancy, I'd like to have little sibling 2 years later. I don't know which would be harder, a 39-year-old delivering 2, or a 41-year-old delivering one. But, if we just have one and none to freeze, that will probably be our only child, unless we can have a little miracle later. I know of several people that's happened to. A lady at church and I were talking about that, and she said she thinks maybe your body learns how to be pregnant, and then can do it on its own. I kind of agree--I think maybe having one clears out old problems, or introduces hormones that your body wasn't producing on its own.

I got 10 very nice-looking job search packages ready to mail last night. I wrote my cover letters as ad copy. I'm also including CDs with copy and sound files of spots I've written and produced. Oddly enough, though, when I returned to work today, there was a proof for a new business card waiting for me with my new title as part of the TV division. I though that was going away. No one has said a word to me about anything. I really don't know what to think. I'm going with the flow until I get a job offer.