Taking a break again

I think I'm going to stop for awhile again, maybe for a few weeks, maybe longer. Reading blogs, blogging, etc. It's just difficult to feel everyone else is moving forward and we're just stuck. We're in our 40s and we just can't get on our feet. G has quit working for the employer for whom he did the majority of his work. He really never should've worked for them in the first place, they're often pretty shady. They're also our insurance agent, and they've really never done anything but take our money. I'm glad he's quit them, but I'm not sure what's next. It may be fabulous, and I can only hope so, but right now, it just feels like another in a very long series of blows. If I believed in that sort of thing, I'd say our house is cursed. It certainly seems to attract piles and piles of junk. My grandmother was sort of a pack rat, and one day, my grandfather called my mother crying because of all the stuff in the house. He wasn't the sort to do that kind of thing, and my mother and father were quite worried, and came to the house (they live 30 miles away) under the pretense that they were out shopping and just decided to stop by. My grandfather was fine by then and never had another similar episode, that we know of. I've felt the same way. G has so much stuff related to all of his hobbies that I often don't feel there's room for me here. And I hate it here. I always have. 9 years of living in a house I don't like. I try to make it better, but the improvements never last. Maybe we can find jobs elsewhere and just go. I just don't know and I feel so lost and tired.
I also feel like it's just not meant for us to have a family. I was 29 before I found someone to love, and he'd had a vasectomy. We had that taken care of, but no baby. By a couple of years later, I knew there must be more cause, so we did the IVFs, and the lap. And so, tried to move on to adoption. But every time we get close to being able to start, something else happens. My employer goes under. My car gets crashed. I know adoption can happen without lots of money, but probably not the way I want. And we wouldn't be able to give our kids the things they'd want.

I know I'll feel better in the morning. I've been scrubbing the kitchen floor, and cleaning our house always depresses me, because I see how much more there is to be done. I'll be over that in awhile. When we were on our way to Cleveland last weekend, there were rainbows in the sky for a lot of our drive, and I felt they meant something good. I still hope so.