Tonight at midnight it will have been 8 years since G proposed to me. We'd been dating a little over a year and a half, and had finally talked about getting married a few months before. That first marriage talk was when he told me about his vasectomy. When Christmas rolled around, G gave me an adapter for the nice Yamaha keyboard he'd given me for my birthday, a gift certificate to Camelot records and a repair kit for my car. All our friends and the people I worked with had assumed I'd get a ring, but I didn't. Garland still lived at his mom's house (he'd moved back in with her after his divorce), and on Christmas we were watching TV in his room, and I noticed a jewelry store bonus coupon on his bulletin board. I knew he must have bought some jewelry, and he hadn't given me or anyone in his family any, so I had a feeling he'd bought a ring, but wasn't sure. I'm not suspicious enough to think he'd bought anyone else any jewelry. He didn't really want to go anywhere on New Year's Eve, and we watched movies and ate Chinese takeout at my apartment. I went to the kitchen to do something and heard him digging in his overnight bag and I heard what sounded like a jewelry box snap, but was trying not to imagine things. At midnight, he said, "how'd you like to start the New Year off like this?" I said, "like what?" He gestured to his other hand, which was holding out my ring. It was a nice start to 1996!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Has anyone written "Everything I Need to Know I Learned from the Sopranos" yet? If not, they probably will. Last night, G and I were watching an episode where Tony is having a talk (and more) with the Russian woman who has lost a leg. He was giving her credit for not giving in to her disability. She said it wasn't usually the first thing she thought of. She went on to say that Americans usually expect that nothing wrong will ever happen, and then are devastated when it does, while people in other parts of the world expect only bad, and then aren't disappointed. I don't know that that's completely true, but it's probably not far off. She also said we have too much time to think about ourselves, whining on couches, etc. I know that's true of me. I think that's one of the reasons (only one, and a small one at that) I want a baby. I'm tired of thinking about myself. I'm much too self-centered. I'm not saying I think I'm a bad person, I don't. In fact, I'm quite OK. I do spend way too much time inside my own head. I know that being a mother would make that impossible. I also know there are self-centered parents out there, ones who still put their own needs first, and are probably not cut out to be parents. I don't think G and I are those people. I've been thinking about this a lot, and coincidentally, Dawn wrote today about how motherhood changed her. That's one of the things I'm truly hoping for.

Christmas was great--everyone was feeling well, and a nice time was had by all (I think). As my sister and her family weren't coming to my parents' home until Christmas Day, it was just the 4 of us that evening, and we decided not to go to the Christmas Eve communion service at Mom and Dad's church, which is the church where I was raised and G and I got married. It hasn't seemed the same as it used to for the last several years. On Christmas Day, though, I was sorry we hadn't gone and will plan to go next year, even if I go by myself.

G and I exchange gifts on Christmas Eve (so we can have that time to ourselves), and he came in with my gift and said he hadn't wrapped it, but he wanted me to go on and open it. It was in a Best Buy bag, and I was expecting my Monkees DVDs, but it was a digital camera, along with several accessories. It's very nice, but I wanted to wring his neck. #1, I don't have a job. With my unemployment checks, there's not going to be a lot less money coming in, but there also won't be any insurance money or 401(k) taken out. AAAAAAAAARGH!! What was he thinking? It's partly for him, too. There's a really nice camera he wants, but can't afford right now unless his frogs or chameleons make some babies he can sell very soon. The other reason I was annoyed was because all I asked for was the Monkees DVD set from the 1st season. Well, turns out, he got me that, too, along with the second season. We weren't supposed to be getting each other much. I didn't get him much, but I'd done pretty well the last couple of years. I really can't fuss, but sometimes I wish he'd be a little more practical.

One of the great things about this year is that we didn't come home loaded down with candy, cookies, or even the Chex mix my dad makes. This is my dad's biggest gourmet item. Most of his cooking consists of grilling steaks or burgers, or frying eggs once in a blue moon. My mom is a great cook and Dad is pretty sedentary, so this once a year whirlwind of activity is greatly anticipated. Mom didn't make candy and we were just sent home with the country ham and the cheese Dad bought for us. We brought home some sliced beef from G's sister's house, but he'd polished that off by the next morning. We'll be bad tomorrow for New Year's Eve, but can make up for it.

Another great thing about Christmas this year was the lack of excess stuff. My parents gave us a food processor, cash, and an insulated vest for G, and a sweater (leather!) for me. We got a new phone from my sister and BIL. And we'd drawn names with G's sisters, so he got kayak accessories he'd asked for, while I got a sweater and a Target gift card. Mind you, his sister had lost the list I made, but said she remembered the gift card (I'd put down a Best Buy gift card, but Target's fab! I got the Beatles 1 with it and still have $$ left). To understand why this was so great, know that for my birthday this year, his sisters got me a little wicker chair with silk flowers in it, and a straw purse and hat. All hail gift cards!!

Sorry, Santa--there's more!! But it's not for selfish little me.

For my friends wanting babies--a warm bundle by the next holiday season!

For my friends expecting babies--simple, peaceful, happy deliveries!

For my friends waiting to adopt--a wonderful new addition for their families.

For my friends with problems with their love lives--peaceful, satisfying resolutions to everything.

For my friends who are grieving--good memories to warm them.

For my friends with loved ones overseas--a quick return, and another peaceful resolution for everyone.

And a wonderful 2004 for everybody! xoxoxo

Dear Santa:

I have been a good girl this year. OK, I have been mostly good. OK, I've been pretty good. Let's not quibble, let me just tell you what I want.

1. A baby. I'll let you pick the specifics like size, eye color, and anything else.

2. A job. About this, I'm feeling a bit more particular.

I really need to improve my income, at least a bit, to cover gift number 1 and all the incidentals it will need, like diapers, pacifiers, food, and electricity.

I would like it to be relatively close to home and not involve much travel, so I will still have more time to spend with the other gift.

Some responsibility, but not too many hours--40 a week should be plenty(see above).

I would like to have some friends at this job, people to go to lunch with and maybe take walks with.

I would like a challenge, and to not have to do things for people they can easily do themselves.

A way to express myself and use the creativity I'm always telling myself I'm full of.

There are many more things I'm hoping for from this fabulous position, but I know you're very busy and I don't want to make it too difficult. I promise I'll leave you some good cookies. And eggnog with some Maker's Mark. Merry Christmas, Santa!

Tracy

I do feel some better this evening and am feeling determined. I spoke to V and she said the guy at Public Broadcasting hadn't received my resume. I think they're really just looking for an Admin. Asst. though, and I don't want to take a job like that again hoping they'll see my grand potential, and promote me within weeks. I need more. I need more challenge, more money, and a way to be more me. I emailed him and the HR person, but am willing to hold out for something better, at least at this point.

I often feel that sometime in the next few years G and I will get pregnant on our own, but I'm not counting on it. I'm just so tired of having to be patient for everything. I really do feel that 2004 will be a better year for so many of us. So many of my close friends have had a rotten year. My college roommate had a miscarriage and lost her father. A friend I've had since I was 2 (we started trick or treating together then) is going through an ugly separation from his wife and is devastated and very worried about his 3 year old daughter. A friend of his and mine broke up with his boyfriend of several years. My second cousin who was my pal when I was working my first couple of fulltime jobs in the late 80s is separated from her husband. It goes on and on. Which makes me realize there's not time to feel sorry for myself. Things could be better. But they could be much, much worse.

I watched "Adoption Stories" last night. Big mistake. I got very concerned for the adoptive couple. They were adopting a baby being born to a couple who already had 4 children and didn't feel that could handle another. The adoptive parents were going to be in the delivery room, but the birth mother changed her mind. I was afraid she'd change her mind altogether, but she relented at the last moment and the adoptive parents got to be there for the birth. I just started thinking that I've been ignoring all the signs and maybe it's just not meant for me to be a parent. When I finally met someone I was 29, and lo and behold, he'd had a vasectomy. We finally got that undone 3 years after we got married, but then he still had a low count--maybe he always had, we don't know. 2 failed IVFs later it's time to adopt, but now we're so in debt from IVF number 2, and I can't find a worthwhile job. I've really only had one job I liked in the 16 years since college, and I just don't know what to do now. Even if my Mom and Dad helped us with the adoption (and they would), how would we pay for anything else? I get frustrated with G, feeling he should try to hustle up more work for himself, but that gets me nowhere. Sorry for the pity party, but I guess I'm hoping this thinking aloud, so to speak, will help somehow. I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for that job possibility, yet it really deflated me to not get the in-person interview. If it's not meant to be...

I hate job searching. It sucks. I had my stupid phone interview yesterday, some structured thing authored by a company called Talent Plus. Idiotic questions--How responsible are you? Please illustrate. Do you think you're flexible? Please give an instance where you used creativity to solve an issue. Actually, I thought it went OK, but I just got an email that I'm not being invited to interview on Thursday. Big surprise. So what do I do now?

I finally got a response from a resume I posted through Monster. And what timing! I've replied to several postings and usually never get a response, although I did get one inquiry due to my resume earlier this year. I'm to have a long phone interview Monday. I'm pretty excited, although now I think about it, when I got the inquiry, that resulted in a phone interview too, and I almost immediately got a rejection. No, no, I will stay excited. She said they were changing their original plan for the position, and will tailor it somewhat to the person they pick. Sounds nice. She said my salary requirements were right there with the job, too. Trying not to get my hopes up. V. called the new head of the local Public Broadcasting office, and I'm sending him a resume, too. I will stay positive about this. Until I'm not.

I'm feeling oddly happy today. Actually, it's not really odd at all, since I'd wanted out of my job for months. Plus, I'm sure my bizarre emotional swings are hormonal anyway as that time of month is here for the approximately 314th time. Well, yay.

I'm getting in touch with former clients and friends of former co-workers. I went to the employment agency this morning and feel pretty good about that. I'm fairly sure I'll be better off than I was. Geez, I'd almost have to be. I was getting an embarrassingly low paycheck, hanging in there in hopes that things were going to improve. No more of that.

My company's owner and Creative Director couldn't come to an agreement, hence the closing of our office, too. It's really pretty much a relief, since I've seen it coming for so long. This morning, I called the woman I interviewed with last week, and she reiterated her "you're overqualified" (Tracy translation: "You're too old"). I told her I wasn't concerned about that, and that I was very interested in the job (TT: "I'm desperate--gimme a job!"). She said she was glad to know that, they're just starting the interview process (TT: "don't hold your breath"), and that she'd keep my name in the hopper (TT: "not a chance in hell"). I've written my follow-up letter, telling them I'm not worried about my qualifications, that I've been looking for a chance to work and grow with a true advertising agency and that I'd be an asset (TT: "I'm pathetic. Gimme a job!"). I've emailed the temp agency that helped get me this last job. I do not want another secretarial position. Do I trim jobs from my resume so I'll seem younger? What a mess. Or opportunity.

Unemployed. sigh.

Still employed. Don't know for how long. We're still going to service our locally-based clients. I still want to go, but, at least I have health insurance and a check I can count on. I was very tardy about sending my thank you note for my interview last week--I just mailed it yesterday. I will call to check in with them this afternoon.

Big Dumb Fun

The exit plan is not working like I'd hoped. I went out late this afternoon to get some cash at the ATM for parking and beer at the concert. I got back and noticed the message light blinking on the answering machine. I asked G who it was and he said, "don't listen to it". I asked if it was the people I'd inteviewed with last week turning me down. He shook his head and said, "don't play it." Of course, at that point, how could I not? I said "what?" 2 or 3 times before he said, "it's what I told you I thought would happen". More "what?"s from me, before he told me Vicki, one of the former owners, had called saying she'd heard the company was being dissolved. Apparently, the announcement was made but no one had called me. I'd taken today and tomorrow off to enjoy the concert. I laughed when he told me. I'm not really surprised, although I'd expected our office to close and not our Indy office. It's funny, damn it. Hee hee.

Went to the concert. Drank rum and Diet Coke and had some red wine. Some crappy opening act and then Kiss came on. I laughed almost the whole time. How cool must it be to be in your 50s and wear platform boots and heavy white makeup for a living? I wasn't into Kiss in the 70s. You've got to understand. I went to my first concert in 1973 or '74. It was the Osmonds. I loved them. I graduated from them to Barry Manilow. And Shaun Cassidy. I'm a middle of the road gal. But didn't I have a good time tonight? And isn't Paul Stanley hot? Wow!! Geez, I'm not going to have a job again. Paul Stanley looks great. This is fun!!

My friend Anne and I are there with the husbands. Someone wants to sit with their friends and trades us their tickets for the Aerosmith portion of the show. We leave our men and go down, down, down, to the floor!! Oh, my gosh, maybe Joe Perry will sweat on me. Joe Perry is so hot!! Shit, I'm going to be unemployed again. Steven Tyler is looking pretty good too, but Anne is into him, and I like Joe. Woo-hoo, cool seats, this is great!!

Once G and I were home, there are a couple more messages. One is from our creative director, talking about the owner dissolving (for the most part) the Indy office, but our office is still up in the air, depending on whether he (the Creative Director) wants to freelance or not. ?????? Am I fired or not? No call from the owner. What is this bullshit? If you're letting everyone else go, let me go too. What the hell is this? So tired. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. (Many mistakes in spelling/typing have been corrected by a semi-drunk me).

I told G that all I want him to get me for Christmas is this. It's about $60 in stores. What is the female equivalent of Peter Pan? Petra Pan?

Woman who interviewed me yesterday: "I have no doubt that you'd do a great job, I'm just worried that you're overqualified." My reply "I'm pretty much overqualified at my current job." I'm kicking myself. It wasn't really a bad answer, but at first I wished I'd added, "but I've stayed there for nearly 2 1/2 years." Then I was glad I didn't, because that would make me sound like I'm not ambitious, or unemployable by others. Sigh. And yes, I'm concerned about the overqualified part, too. I don't really want to move into a similar position elsewhere. But the money, at least the salary range she mentioned in her email, will make a big difference. She said they definitely promote from within, and that's why these positions are open. Maybe it's the foot in the door I thought I was getting stuck in there when I came to my current job. I wish I'd gotten into this other place then.

I'm getting more and more philosophical about employment anyway. I don't think I'm ever going to be happy working for anyone else, not really. G says I should start my own business, but I just don't think I have the energy for that. Maybe it's better for me to accept an administrative position, and save all my creative efforts for my own work--songs, my movie, whatever. I was listening to an interview on our local public radio station with a poet who gave up an advertising career to go into construction. He said he couldn't write all day and then come home and do it at night. I can certainly see the wisdom in that. Do I really want to expend my creative energy writing spots for long distance carriers? Not that that's such a terrible thing, but will it help me? Add to all this that my top goal now is to have a family, and it makes getting the fullfilling outside job seem less important . Some days, anyway.

Bummed for one of my friends who is in a similar boat. She got married last year to a guy who'd had a vasectomy. Like G, he'd had no kids, just a bad marriage (my friend's husband has been divorced twice), and decided to get snipped (why, why, why, she says as she bangs her head on desk). S's husband had a successful vas reversal early this year or late last year, but they're not pregnant yet. I'm assuming his sperm count is higher than G's. She's not sure if she ovulates on a regular basis, and has short cycles. I'm almost more frantic for them than I am for us because she's 41, but she may have plenty of time. I don't know. It's nice to be able to be there for her, though, and steer her to info she doesn't have.

Christmas odds and ends:

We drew names with G's family, so only have to buy gifts for one of his sisters, his 24-year-old nephew, and all of us are still buying gifts for the 13-year-old nephew (he's the baby, at this point, anyway). Since G and I have been together, we've always had to buy both Christmas and birthday presents for everyone (his 2 sisters, BIL, 2 nephews, one nephew's girlfriend, and until 6/01 G's mom). My sister and I haven't exchanged birthday gifts for years, although I do get my little niece gifts, of course. At any rate, it's a big relief to not have to get so much.

The group I sing in at church is also not doing gifts for each other. Instead, we're buying for a family from the prison angel tree. This program is designed to provide a gift for kids from their incarcerated dad or mom. I'm so happy--it's much better than getting another mug or some bath wash I don't want!

Don't know if we can put up a tree this year because of crazy kitten Minnie. She's into everything and is determined to conquer everything. G brought in his bonsai tree from the back porch about a month ago, and she kept trying to climb it. She's nearly full grown, so it was quite a goofy sight. The other day she lay down in the dirt with a lily plant in one of G's terra cotta planters. She had her head on the edge of the pot and looked very cute, but not particularly bright. She enjoys stalking crickets in her spare time. I'm sure she'll try to climb the Christmas tree and will knock off all the ornaments. There's no door to our living room or I'd try to close it off. We don't want to leave her shut in the basement for a month, so I'm not sure what to do yet.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing for Christmas yet, either. For the past 9 years (G and I started dating in '94), we've had a big Christmas Eve dinner at my parents' house and then used to go to his mom's for dinner and gifts around noon Christmas Day. Since his mom died, we go to his sister's house, which is where all the other family events like birthdays are held. My sister has never been happy about the big dinner on Christmas Eve and preferred it Christmas Day, but hey, I got married first, nyah nyah nyah. Besides, her husband's parents don't come until after Christmas if at all, so they have all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and even part of the 26th at my parents. There's never been any big argument, I've just gotten comments from my dad and my grandmother that L (my sister) didn't like doing it this way. I never replied. Anyway, I think her family is going to stay at their own home (80 miles north of Mom and Dad) on Christmas so Santa come come there. That's certainly fine with me, my niece (almost 4) and nephew (5 months) should get their own traditions. I assumed Mom and Dad would go spend the night up there and G and I would be on our own, but Mom thinks L and family are going to come down instead after they do Santa. But that would mean big family dinner on Christmas day, and then going to G's family for another dinner. Maybe I'll just cook something and bring it to Mom's house Christmas Eve, and they can have the big dinner without us the next day. Why does this all have to be so complicated?

Some people have too much time on their hands.

This is weird, I feel like there are people on the streets, but I can't get my trench coat open to flash them. Blogspot is down, but it may be back up by the time I get this post finished. All naked, but no place to go.

Feeling ominous about work--no one from our other office called at all yesterday, and I only received one email. Actually, if I get the job I'm interviewing for tomorrow, it'd be great if they did let me go here, because I suppose they'd give me 2 weeks severance and I've got a few vacation days coming. That way I'd get a paid vacation in between. Pipe dream, but it's not hurting anyone! If I do get the other job, it would almost certainly be more money, and we could whittle these debts down and maybe start setting the wheels in motion for adoption this spring!

I may be speaking with someone about an entirely different job next week. The guy who has a TV production company next door to our office is trying to sell an entertainment/travel series to a few networks, and wants to talk with me about being a producer.
Sounds like fun, but he's kind of an ass, and I'm sure there wouldn't be much in the way of benefits. If this had come up 10 years ago, before I met G, it would have been fantastic.

Feeling happier...I called the lady from the other ad agency I'd contacted. Apparently, she didn't get the return email I'd sent her, because she thought I wasn't interested. I know I'd sent it because of the little blue arrow next to that letter in my Yahoo mailbox. Anyhow, I'm going in to talk with her Wednesday afternoon!! Yay!!!