I talked to the guy at the cable company. I'm going to put together a tape with TV appearances I've done, which are not very numerous, but some of them are pretty much fun. When I was doing a radio morning show, I hosted segments of an auction and was on a telethon, my morning show co-host and I appeared on segments between a showing of "Top Gun", I did a video dating segment on a local TV magazine show (sounds kind of desperate, but really wasn't), and there are also my 3 Jeopardy appearances. I could probably use some of my banter with Alex Trebek. Also, in my last game I'd gotten so far behind I couldn't catch up unless I guessed, so I rang in with a silly answer. I was almost as proud of making a joke as I was of winning 2 days. I guess that's enough for an audition tape. He may also have some voiceover work for me. I wish I could make my living doing freelance work, but we have to have health insurance. G does a lot of work for an insurance company, but the rates they offered us weren't particularly good. Maybe we could figure something out.

We're probably not going to the adoption fair tomorrow. G and I talked last night and he said he doesn't know how we can, moneywise. I mentioned adoption tax credits, but he's right, for now. We've got to pay debts. I also told him that some companies have adoption assistance--hopefully I can get a job with one of those. Mom and Dad will be glad to help, too, but I will feel better about everything when I have more stable employment. I'm sad though, and depressed about job prospects.

I saw something that looked great on Monster.com the other day and applied for it. I asked V. in my office if she knew anyone with the company, and she did, but it turns out that lady is with one of the businesses, not the corporate office, which is where the job would be. I'm going to check with N., the former owner of our company, he knows lots of people, and could possibly know someone there.

Really need good vibes and prayers for the job. The last fulltime person other than me has given his 2 weeks' notice. I know they'll be closing this office once they've sold our largest account. That might not be terribly soon, but it will happen. At least I don't have to be secretive about job searching. I'm not sad, but I am concerned. It's one thing to be looking for a job while I've got one, unemployment is quite something else.

I've been feeling so tired lately, and don't know if it's physical or mental. Saturday was just awful, felt like I'd gotten up on the wrong side of the bed and never really felt much better through the day, though I did perk up some when I got a cappuccino and lemon poppyseed scone. I'm looking forward to shedding a few pounds, I believe that will make a big difference. I'm feeling uncomfortable--I hate the feeling of my arms brushing against bulges in my side. It's this vicious cycle, too tired to exercise, but probably tired because I don't exercise.

I had a chance meeting yesterday with a man I've known since we were both kids in our church. I'd just been given his name and number as a reference for the adoption agency we're considering using. It's the one run by the girl who's also from my home church, but the guy (M.) is several years older than I am, while the adoption agency lady (A.) is several years younger. At any rate, M. was very happy with the help A. had given him and his wife. He said A. had made all the paperwork and hurdles much easier for them and said I should definitely call her. They have a darling little girl from China (he was jumping at the chance to show me pictures). They're planning to adopt again next summer and will probably do one more adoption after that. He said they'd been married 18 years, but the last one with the baby has been the best. They'd also done 2 IVFs with my doctor--he didn't like him much, though. My husband thinks the dr. is just out for money, although he agreed with me that it's not a philanthropy, and all fertility doctors are expensive. If I can just get another job soon and we can get some of these debts reduced, then we can get started on the road to adoption.

I'm finding that I don't have big pangs of jealousy when I see pregnant women. And I enjoy living vicariously by reading pregnant women's blogs. I'd still be thrilled if by chance I wound up pregnant, but that's not my goal. Having a family is. When I was in college, I talked to at least a couple of girls who said they really wanted to have a baby, not at that moment, but someday. They said they didn't really care if they got married, that they'd have a baby on their own if need be. I never felt that way. I always wanted the whole package. I don't know if I had some premonition of what my future would be, but somewhere along the line I told myself that if I were married and my husband and I couldn't have children, I wasn't going to let it consume me. I think sometimes we know our bodies so well on a subconscious level, that we sense something is wrong even without any real symptoms. Anyway, I've always felt that, for me, having a strong marriage was important, and that having a family would develop from there. It's just taking longer than I'd thought. Back when I was painting rosy pictures of my future family, I thought I'd be married before I was 30, and start having my 2 (or 3) kids a couple of years later, and would definitely not be changing diapers by the time I was 40. Since I'm 38 now, it looks like I'll be changing diapers in my 40s! Although it won't be a big deal since I won't have spent much of my 30s doing it.

Do you ever wish people would sometimes save something for a surprise? A couple of times my dad has told me I would be getting money (once for cashing in an old insurance policy), and both times the sum I actually got was substantially less than he'd originally told me. It was still nice to get the money, but it was a disappointment, too. My former boss called me this morning and said he'd be having lunch with someone who might have a job and wondered if I wanted him to mention me. He called back after lunch and said he really wasn't sure what was going on with the person he'd met with, but that something might be on the horizon. I'm not sure how far on the horizon. I didn't have my hopes up too much, but it was ultimately a letdown. He also checked with the other person he'd referred me to, as I'd never heard back after sending a resume. He found that that position is on hold, due to budget cuts. I was a bit unsure as to whether I was interested anyway, due to the conservative nature of that business. I'm hoping to get some freelance work for our lottery, and I wouldn't want to be frowned upon. Ups and downs. Very frustrating.

South Beach diet? I've been very critical of the Atkins Diet, I don't believe in diets that have you cut out types of food, I'm for "all things in moderation." But, I'm feelin' fat, and I need a jumpstart. I'm so unmotivated, mentally and physically, and I'm having trouble making myself exercise. I know the South Beach diet is really a modified Atkins diet, but I hear it's easier to follow. The main reason I'm concerned is a call I received from a resume I sent to our cable company. One of the men I sent one to wants to try me out on camera. ACK!!

Does this not seem like something from a science fiction comic book? Or a headline from the Weekly World News? Or maybe one of those magnet games where you move words around?

Monkey Mind Moves Robotic Arm

I've decided that if something doesn't shake loose jobwise by the middle/end of next week, I'm going to try to get a part-time job at a department store or somewhere else in a mall. We need to get rid of some of the debt we have so we can feel better about moving on with adoption. I'm going to try to consolidate our home equity loan with one of our credit cards, but don't want to max out the loan ( I like a little wiggle room). It would really be nice to pay off my car--we've got over 2 years worth of payments left to go. I worked at Sears at Christmas time the first year we were married, and I really liked it. I was amazed, there was only one really mean customer the whole 6 weeks or however long I worked there. Plus, I used my discount when we bought our refrigerator, which was very nice.

I don't really want to work another job, but we're getting the bills for my laparoscopy now. Insurance did cover it, but with my deductible and 20%, it's pretty ugly. It cost WAY more than I thought it would, although the doctor's agreement with the insurance company reduced the actual cost quite a bit. Medical coverage/costs are certainly a racket. ABC ran a promo last night saying all of their news programs next week will be talking about health coverage--could be interesting.

OK, I can accept Aunt Flo's visit every month. She's been visiting for 26 years now, so I'm certainly used to her. I can even accept that she's probably not going to take a 9-10 month vacation at all until she's gone for good. But why does she have to bring so daggone much baggage with her? At least her dog Spot doesn't usually stay very long. But why does she have to bring a knapsack full of fatigue? And sometimes she sends her suitcase full of depression and anger a couple of days ahead of her visit, but sometimes she just brings it with her. And I REALLLY hate the train case with the cramps in it! It sure would be nice if she brought her own items from the drugstore, too.

I'm afraid we're going to wind up being the weird cat people down the street. One year and one week ago today we had to say goodbye to my 13-year-old orange marmalade kitty Max. He was my baby--he'd been with me at 4 apartments, my parents house and our house. He never did like G a whole lot and was basically a one-person cat. G did like Max though, and we were both heartbroken when he died.

We discussed getting another pet and I said I either wanted a dog or 2 cats. We'd already pretty much decided that a dog would have to wait until we're somewhere with a bigger yard and a fence. G started talking about a cat he'd seen in the parking lot of a pet store where he hangs out a lot and I could tell he really liked her. She was apparently living in a nearby cemetery and in the lot I mentioned. One day in the middle of November I teasingly asked when he was going to bring my cat home, and the next day I called him at home about something and heard a meow. She's a good-sized calico who'd apparently had a pretty hard life. The poor thing has BBs in her where some idiot shot her. We named her Marble. We guessed her to be no more than 4 or 5, but our vet said she was more like 7 1/2 or 8. She's a moody girl, but pretty sweet most of the time. She's also somewhat sedentary, but will play sometime. I'd wanted to get a kitten, too, and hoped she would play with one and mother it some, but when I brought home a little black and white female from animal control in March, Marble wasn't very welcoming. Minnie (as in "I think I shall call her Mini-Me...") likes Marble, though. She's always jumped on her and wanted to play. Marble makes a horrible amount of noise during their wrestling matches, but we think she really likes it. She's kind of fat (no, we don't overfeed and they don't eat table scraps) and doesn't move as quickly as Minnie, who's a nut. We love both of them.

G is often mentioning kittens he's seen and he's sad Minnie's not a little kitten anymore. I said, OK, we'll get a new kitten every spring (I wasn't serious, of course). He talked about a cute little male who looks like Minnie but said we'd have to get another yellow kitty next, one more like Max, I suppose. This morning I was getting in my car and saw something gray out of the corner of my eye and assumed it was one of the many squirrels in our neighborhood. It was a little striped kitten with medium-length hair. I picked it up and G said "no!" I said I was just getting it away from the car and G said to put it in the bed of his truck so it couldn't run under my wheels. I saw it jump on our porch as the car pulled out. Why would anyone let a kitten run free, with no collar, on a fairly busy street like ours? If it's around when I get home, I'm afraid we may have another family member soon. Somebody stop us!!

I've been thinking about some of the reasons why I want a biological child beyond the tugs from nature (wanting to feel a baby, know what childbirth is like, etc.). It's really not that I want one that looks like me, or hubby, for that matter (although I'd love to see hubby's gleaming Osmond-like smile in a child). I think I was (am) hoping for other traits that would probably come from the both of us. This is how I picture our child:

1) Tall (OK, that one is physical)
2) Intelligent
3) Curious
4) Talkative
5) Funny

I guess I've been thinking that it would be easier to understand a child more like us (well, me, because I often don't understand hubby). Like that would necessarily be the case. I know this is totally ridiculous, because how many biological parents and children really understand each other? I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. They are great, and we have always gotten along swimmingly. Do we always understand each other? Uh, no. And G's relationship with his father? Oh, my. I didn't even meet FIL until G's mom passed away a couple of years ago because G hadn't spoken to him for several years. His parents had divorced several years before I met G.

Anyway, would we love a child who wasn't

1)Tall? Hmmm...let me think...heehee
2)Intelligent? Intelligence is really in the eye of the beholder, isn't it?
3) Curious? Maybe they'd get into less trouble that way...
4) Talkative? That would leave more time for G to talk.
5) Funny? We could probably work on that. Make 'em watch a Monty Python marathon and write an essay?

OK, so even some of the things that seem important aren't really, in the long run. And I have more in common with many of my friends than I do with my sister. The biological ties aren't that important. That doesn't make me stop wanting to have a baby, though.

I'm going to see Aerosmith and Kiss in December!

My mom said she spoke with a lady in her church whose daughter has had 3 unsuccessful IVFs with donor sperm. I know she is several years older than I am (at least 5, which would make her no younger than 43), but I guess she has a decent ovarian reserve. It's amazing to find out how many people have been through this. It would just be nice if there were a guarantee of having a baby at the end.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate my job? Sorry. I just wish I'd wake up in the middle of the night some night with inspiration for something that will challenge me, motivate me, educate me, and fill my wallet at least a bit.

Yay!! One of my cycle buddies from my last cycle (there were 3 of us on the same schedule, all BFN) went right into another cycle and got the good news yesterday!! Unfortunately, our other CB is now having some marital problems. She and her DH were looking into adopting their 4th child (it will be their 3rd adoption). Prayers are in order for both of these fine ladies.

I love my Joy of Cooking cookbook. Last night I made acorn squash with apples and pears and hubby and I both enjoyed it. The last time I cooked acorn squash it just wasn't terribly good, but I really wanted to try again, as it just seems such a nice, autumnal thing to do. I want to make soup this coming weekend. I made a batch of low-sodium vegetable broth on Sunday, so I can start with that. I've been wanting to make an apple or prune cake, but hubby and I usually wind up wasting desserts. We like them, but a whole cake is too much for us, and recipes like that often don't turn out the same when you cut them in half. But the other day I realized I could bake a whole one, cut in half and freeze half to be sealed in hubby's Foodsaver. He'd wanted one for a long time, and I told Mom & Dad they could get him one last Christmas. He never used it until a month or so ago when he started cooking and freezing veggie lasagnas and eggplant parmesan to use up the nice tomatoes and eggplant he grew this summer. Now we'll try that sucker out with dessert. Cake, I'm gonna have cake, and eat some, too!