Sometimes it seems like its only been a few years and sometimes it seems like 50, but I went to my 20th high school reunion Saturday night. It wasn't too bad. Talked to lots of people, all just for a few minutes. I didn't realize it was already after midnight by the time it was. I told hubby that it might be better if it had been more like a whole convention, where there was a weekend to talk to people. Our 10th was planned around a high school football weekend, and there was a bonfire after the game, along with the actual reunion the second night, so there was extra time to talk to people. Of course, lots of us weren't married then and there were fewer children to have to get home to, so it was more of a party atmosphere.

For a group of 37-39 year old people there were lots of folks who have babies--some I knew about and some I didn't. I saw at least one pregnant alumnus. And I talked about IVF and adoption with a couple of people. One old friend has done 6 in vitro cycles and has had 3 miscarriages. Another, who has 5 1/2 year old twins (boy/girl), was working with an adoption agency when she found out she was pregnant. I know that the wife of one of my friends had an ectopic a few months ago. I'm sure if I had the time, I'd have talked to plenty of other people with similar stories. It does make you feel less alone.

There were a lot of people who were married this time who weren't before (including me), and some who were before but aren't now. And hubby and I got some sad, stunning news. One of my best friends' wife has left him and took their 3-year-old daughter with her. He's been seeing the daughter every week, but he's shocked and devastated. I told him I want to do something for him but don't know what. I'm not going to criticize her because I don't know the whole story, but it just seems so odd that it came out of nowhere to him. Maybe he just didn't want to see signs? Could there be something wrong with her? It's very upsetting.

Open letter to my friends, etc. (not that I've told any of my face-to-face friends to check this out, but this can be to anyone):

Dear friend:

Please don't send me chain e-mail. I'm not going to pass it on. I promise. I don't care if it promises me money or all my dreams come true. I REALLY can't stand the religious blackmail. I'm not ashamed of being a Christian, but I don't believe it requires me to clog the inboxes of everyone I know. And the cute, sickeningly sweet, pull-on-your-heartstrings stories and really bad poems I can do without, too. Please, write me. Tell me how you're doing. I want to know. If I can do you a favor, let me know, really! Just stop hitting forward when someone sends you something. Unless it's a good joke--a really good joke.

Thanks,
Tracy

Starting to look more seriously at adoption now. Unfortunately, we have different ideas, although I suppose we'll come to a consensus as time goes on. I'm pretty much open to anything, but more inclined to want to pursue a domestic adoption, semi-open, which to me, means exchanging letters, pictures, etc., but little in the way of visits. He thinks an international adoption would be better, but for some reason is biased against Russia at this point. No, he's not some militant, "commie" basher. He's definitely not a Republican. I don't know how to describe his politics--anarchist? Although, I don't really know how to describe mine either. We've only grazed the surface at this point of our talks anyway. There's a girl, well, a woman I know, (I still think of her as a girl because she was little when I was a pre-teen) whose grandmother was a pillar of our church, and her mom is still in choir with my mom. I knew the young woman worked for an adoption agency, it turns out that she runs it. I'm going to request some information from her. She has 3 kids and is working on her own Guatemalan adoption. I think Guatemala or other Central American countries may be a good option for us. Hubby has been there before, on a fish collecting trip. He is a fish (mostly cichlid) hobbyist and he and his friends have retrieved some fish that had never been catalogued before. There are a couple of fish now named for one of hubby's friends, as he was the one who financed the trip. They also went to Honduras and Belize. Since hubby is somewhat familiar with culture there, it may make things a bit easier. We're still a bit lost at this point. There's a tri-state adoption fair/convention Nov. 1st. I think that would be a great place to start.

My careless ways have come back to haunt me. I noticed my debit card was missing yesterday, and assumed it was at home until I got home and it was nowhere to be found. In checking my bank account online, I found that we were over $300 in the hole, and knew someone else has been using my card. I've really been madder at myself for losing the card than I am at whoever's been using it. I suppose they stopped being able to use it when the money ran out in the bank acount. It was used a couple of times at a gas station and a couple of times at a department store. I realized that Sunday was the last time I used it, so I must have dropped it in the grocery store or its parking lot. I had to call the police this morning so I could give the bank a case number, etc. The police officer said the case should have been filed with the district where I lost the card, but no one asked me about that on the phone. Such red tape and paperwork, I feel sorry for police officers who have to spend all their time on that, instead of doing work that needs to be done.

I have a little fantasy that the person who found the card really needed the money and maybe they were buying clothes and necessary items for their children. It's easier to feel that way since the charges will be removed from my account and I'm not really out anything (except for the higher prices at the stores and higher interest rates and service charges we all wind up paying for other people's crimes).

OK, I'm a TV watcher. Too much TV. I don't do reality shows, but I enjoy my old favorites like Frasier and Friends. I've been able to cut back on the shows I watch regularly as shows like The X-Files and Buffy have gone away, and I haven't added many new ones in the last few years, except for "24". I'm especially looking forward to "Ed" tonight and will probably watch "West Wing" although I've never watched it regularly because it used to be on at the same time as Drew Carey.

I bring all of this up because of last night's "Frasier". I know there are going to be people complaining, on support boards and elsewhere, because of Niles and Daphne. If you've taped it and not watched it yet, stop, because here come the spoilers. Niles and Daphne decided they wanted to have a baby, but then found out that Niles has low motility (he found out by checking on sperm he'd donated to a bank years before). He told Daphne and she wasn't concerned, because there are so many ways around things like that these days. She proceeded to show him the ovulation test she'd taken that showed she was ovulating. He said that's not the ovulation test, that's the pregnancy test. She said "they look so much alike". Needless to say, she was pregnant (Jane Leeves is pretty obviously really pregnant). People are going to say that's not realistic, that wouldn't happen in real life, etc. But that's the point of TV, isn't it? The show was very cute.

A few years ago when "Mad About You" was on, a columnist I enjoyed wrote a piece on being disappointed that the characters Paul and Jamie had decided to have a baby. She liked having a childless couple to relate to, and I can see that, but every time a couple on TV gets married or has a baby, the show is accused of staging a sweeps stunt. Don't most couples have kids by the time they're in their 30s/40s? Don't most people get married? We want people on TV to be like us, but if they really were, we'd be bored to tears. Not that our lives aren't ever funny, real-life situations are certainly often more hilarious than TV shows could ever hope to be. Unfortunately, real life creeps in between those moments. Some of the very best moments in my life have been almost immediately followed by some of the very worst, and vice versa. But then there are the weeks and weeks of just living. Everything has to be condensed for TV. So, I'm glad TV is there, and I'm glad it's just true enough to life to make me appreciate mine a little more.

The scar tissue is still a mystery, but there are some possible explanations. The RE mentioned gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc. and I told him hubby was my only sex partner. Now, hubby could've be a carrier, I suppose, but he's been tested (around the time he got his divorce, and during our IVF process) and got a clean report. I don't have endometriosis, either.

Torsion of an ovary was another possibility he mentioned. He said that was unusual, but when I was 14 I had one bout of bad pain in the spring that wasn't related to my period. A few months later, I had probably the worst pain I've ever had and it was in my sides, as I recall (I don't recall it being just on one side). I remember very well because it was so bad. It started on a Sunday night, and I was up all that night (and my dad was up with me, because he was so worried). They took me to the doctor's office as soon as it opened the next morning, and the doctor couldn't really determine what was wrong. He decided to do a pelvic exam, and normally I'm sure I would have been very nervous about that, as I hadn't had one before, but I felt so bad I didn't care. He still didn't find anything wrong, and said it was probably mittlescmertz, i.e. ovulation pain. He gave me a prescription for pain medicine, and as I was leaving, I threw up (sorry) in the hallway of his offices. I missed school that Monday and Tuesday, went back Wednesday and wound up missing Thursday, too. I do have ovulation pain sometimes, but never anything like that, and I wonder if somthing was going on--a cyst or something like that. When I told my RE he thought that was a good possibility. He said my ovary on that side is probably much smaller than the other as its blood supply had been cut off. Whatever caused it left so much scar tissue that it affected both sides. The RE said it is more possible now that I could get pregnant naturally because of his moving my right fallopian tube, but that I also have a higher than normal chance of an ectopic pregnancy because of the damage to the tube.

The RE asked what our next steps would be. I told him that barring my getting a job with IVF coverage or getting a job paying a lot more money, our next step will be adoption. He gave me names and numbers for a couple of agencies. He's still encouraging us to try IVF again, especially in the next couple of years, as I'm 38. I know he wants to make money, but I don't think he'd recommend it if he didn't think we had a shot, as clinics like their success rates to be high, and I truly don't think he'd just want us to waste money. I was going to try to audition for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", but they're only having auditions in NYC this fall. Hubby said maybe we'll just plan our vacation there next year. I'm hoping they'll have regional auditions in the spring. Of course, my chances of getting on another game show are probably pretty slim, like lightning striking twice!
If I do get on, I'd probably embarrass myself by missing on the $500 question. Wouldn't it be nice if money weren't a factor. Then again, it's always a factor.

Yesterday was anniversary number 7. I'd decided to get hubby a backscratcher as a gag gift (to keep away the 7 year itch...), but then I looked up backscratchers online and found a really cool one here (warning: do not view this if you eschew animal products!). I also got him a special bottle of his favorite rum and a couple of cute knickknacks, including a pretty little plant starter consisting of a blue bottle, some beads and some copper wire (copper is the 7th anniversary gift). He had wanted to get me something for my home audio studio, but didn't know what to get, and he ordered a couple of books about home recording from my Amazon wish list.

I told him he had actually started on the best present he could give me--he started finishing the work on our porch which he began 2 years ago. 2 YEARS AGO. He drives me nuts starting projects and never finishing them. There are so many little (and some big) things still to be done to the house I've lived in for 7 1/2 years. We go round and round because he complains that I don't clean, and I feel like it's polishing a, well, you get my drift. I would be more inclined to clean something worth cleaning. Since he works for himself and it's a one-man operation, he works from our house, which means his business papers, tools, etc. are all over our dining area and kitchen. We eat all our meals on the couch, which is depressing to me. Every once in awhile, he'll get energetic and start to work on something, but then he moves back to his hobbies. I suppose we'll have a decent home someday.

I've been feeling pretty positive the last few days, and there may be good reason. I heard back from my former co-worker, and he may have another position coming open, but wanted writing samples and I really don't have anything. When I did radio news, I really just regurgitated items from AP or the newspaper, rewriting them in a more conversational style. I haven't written anything for a long time except essay answers for a history class I took earlier this year. I may try to just write a couple of things specifically for him, but maybe he'll have something more in the marketing field come open. At least I may have a toe in the door.

Yesterday I called the man V. had lunch with a couple of weeks ago. He was extremely nice and said there's a shake-up coming at his wife's large company, and he was going to pass my resume along to her. I thought that was very nice. He and V. gave me the name of another company to get in touch with. I emailed them yesterday, and they said they don't have any positions and they usually use free-lancers, but would keep me in mind for voicework. Another toe.

This morning, our former owner who left a couple of months ago called V. He knows of a position he thinks would be good for me, but felt uncomfortable because his exit contract precluded him hiring anyone away from our company, and although this wouldn't be with his company, I guess it's kind of a gray area. Anyway, he asked V. to have me call him. This is the way to get a job--referrals from people you know. My networking skills have always been lacking, but maybe they're improving. At any rate, I feel better about things.

It always seems like the whole world's having babies to those of us who can't. David Letterman's going to be a dad. He was graduating from high school the year I was born! Don't get me wrong, I think it's great. He always used to talk about wanting a nice, "fat baby", and he's always seemed very interested when guests are expecting or have kids. It's just the timing I guess. Pretty much coinciding with Brooke Shields on the cover of People with her baby, the result of her 7th IVF. I've always identified with her somewhat, just because she and I are the same age (she's 3 months younger). It's easy to say, "oh, she's got millions of dollars, it's easy for her to afford it", but it only illustrates the fact that we all have our problems. If she wants to pay for a couple more attempts for me, that'd be nice. I told hubby a couple of weeks ago when we bought some Powerball tickets that if we won, I'd like to pay for IVFs for a few women. Kind of like a baby scholarship!

I've been able to be at work all week--I haven't even taken any narcotics (oxycodone) since Saturday morning, and I probably could've just taken one of the ibuprofens they prescribed by then. Getting out of bed was a bit rough the first few days, but not too bad. I think I have a pretty high threshold for pain in general, or I've just been lucky. The gas pains were about the worst part by Saturday morning, and I was done with that part by Sat. afternoon. Of course, AF has come to visit now, but I brought my ibuprofen bottle with me and that helped yesterday afternoon!

I have a couple of new job leads, and today my CareerBuilder email had a job at a company where one of my former co-workers is the president. I wrote, even though I don't really have the qualifications for the position. Can't hurt.

The owner of my company is coming in the office today. I think I'll see if he can talk to me and put him on the spot a little bit about my future. He was in town last week and I was going to try to talk to him then, but it was the day I was doing the bowel prep, and I didn't want to have to interrupt our conversation for potty breaks!

How did I get scar tissue? I'll have to ask dr. about that. No surgery, no STDs, no sex before hubby. ???

I had my lap yesterday. Apparently I don't have much of a tube on my left side, so they didn't bother taking it out. I had lots of scar tissue on both sides that they removed. The dr. told hubby that scar tissue on my right side had moved the tube so that it was pointing to my uterus instead of my ovary, so they moved it back, but he still doesn't think there's a good chance of us getting pregnant without IVF, so I guess it was all for nought, but you never know. It's up to God, anyhow.

So, how long does it take to drive to a hospital less than a mile away, and have blood drawn and pee in a cup? Apparently, 3+ hours. ACK!!! There's lots of construction downtown so driving anywhere is a pain. I got to the hospital, which seems like Outback Steakhouse now, since I went to the front desk and got a pager/beeper to call me to the registration desk. Unfortunately, they had no Bloomin' Onions. After getting registered (I'd done pre-registration on the phone on Friday, what good did that do?), the lady gave me somewhat confusing instructions about where to go next. When I got where I was supposed to be, I waited at least an hour (I had no watch, and my cell phone was dead, as usual) to be called to the lab. My veins are small, and I warned the nurses, but she plowed on, couldn't find a good vein in my arm, and tried my hand, which also didn't work. The other nurse had better luck with my arm, and got the blood and I finally peed (I'd been holding it so I'd have the sample). I then had to sit back down in the waiting area, but was almost immediately called to a nurse, where my BP was taken and she asked me tons of questions. One more normal day, and then it's a clear liquid diet Wednesday (plus bowel prep), and nothing after midnight Thursday. There sure are a lot of hoops to jump through for a "minor" procedure.

It was a pretty good weekend. I watched my "Partridge Family" videotape on Friday night. I won it on eBay. Don't mock me, it was research for my movie. OK, go ahead and mock me, I'm proud of my love of cheesy pop culture! And, if you like the Partridge Family, check out this site. It even has Sims skins. I don't have Sims, but may ask for it for Christmas. I'm afraid I would waste way too much time on it.

I visited my 93-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on Saturday. I don't go to see her nearly often enough, but have seen her twice in the last week because my parents are on a trip to Alaska. She used to be in a home in my home town, only about a mile from my parents house, but it was shut down a couple of years ago, so now she's about 18 miles away from them, and about 35 minutes from me. Her mind is very good and she's still extremely smart. She has very bad osteoporosis, though, and hasn't been able to walk on her own in years. When she was in her 50s and started breaking bones a lot, they just called it brittle bones. We know so much more now. I'm still bad about getting as much calcium as I should even knowing what I know. I'm built more like my other grandmother was, taller and larger, so I hope I don't have as much tendency toward the osteoporosis, but I still need the preventive measures.

I visited the local superchurch on Saturday evening. I mainly wanted to check out their music. They actually did one of the songs we did yesterday morning. It's a nice place and I know many people who belong there, but for me it would be like going to church at a convention center every week. Something seems so odd about using escalators to get to a balcony seat.

Hubby's going to the country this weekend, and I'm kind of looking forward to it. I didn't want him to go last weekend. The every other weekend thing is too much, but once a month or so is fine.

He had a job several years ago which involved a lot of travel, and I mean a lot. He would be gone for weeks at a time. His company was somewhat understanding, and any time he was gone for 3 weeks or more, they'd fly him home for the weekend. A couple of times they flew me to him--once he was in Savannah, and I got to stay with him there over Labor Day weekend. I loved it there, and would love to be there at Christmas time, I'm sure it would be beautiful. The separation from hubby was awful, though. I don't know how military wives, truckers' wives, etc. do it. The second year he was working for the company, he wasn't home for Thanksgiving. We might have wound up divorced if he'd stayed there. He was making good money, but it certainly wasn't worth it.

When he quit (or was fired, depending on his telling of the story), things changed. He was home all of the time. He didn't work for awhile, then he started his business. He usually leaves for work after I do and is home before me, so I don't get the house to myself very often. I like solitude, just not too much of it. So, some of these weekends are pretty nice.

I need to learn patience. I ran an errand a little while ago, and when I got back, on my chair there was a copy of a fax V. had sent to one of the high-ups at the corporation we'd discussed. She's having lunch with him and faxed him my resume, and asked him to call me. If I'd just give people and situations a little time, I'd be so much better off. I just feel like I've had to wait so long for so many of the things in my life. I was nearly 29 before I had a job I really liked and 29 when I had my first real boyfriend (my husband). 1994 was a good year! I had no dates in high school (nada, zip, zilch), and had only a few in college, and of course fell in love with the first guy I went out with more than a couple of times. Everything is waiting, waiting, waiting. On the other hand, I'm often stunned by how fast time goes, so I guess things balance out.

Why doesn't the world revolve around me? Why, why, why? OK, sorry. At 38, I believe I have an extreme case of arrested development. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I want people to take care of me, at least part of the time. I developed this independent shell a long time ago, and people seem to think I don't need anything. However, they want me to take care of them. This is one of the reasons I hate having an administrative assistant position, I don't like doing things for people that they could easily do for themselves. I've also felt that hubby wants me to mommy him for a good while, although it seems to be lessening. I guess I was hoping V, the former partner where I work, would act as kind of a mentor to me. She had said she would call someone at one of her former employers (very prominent in the state) to recommend me for a position, but that hasn't come about. She wants to know specifically what I want to do, but I don't really know what to tell her, other than media relations, communication, etc. She's the one who's worked there, I'd think she might suggest something to me. Plus, she's more concerned with setting up freelance writing assignments for herself. Which is as it should be. I was just hoping for some help. I will, and have been, be dropping her and the other former partner's names as I search.

I need a new job! It seems so unfair that no matter how we get a baby (infertility treatments or adoption) it's going to cost us so much, when some people have no business having any and can just pop them out like mice. Hubby has been working on a house smaller than ours (which is not big) where there's a family with 5 kids. The work is actually being done for the landlord. The house is filthy, there are Rottweilers living there that killed a neighbor dog, cats with nasty uncleaned litter boxes, a visiting grandfather who was discussing going somewhere to get a b.j. (in front of the 12-year-old boy, and when the mother complained the grandfather said the boy was old enough to get one himself!), an unemployed father who was on the phone with the rental center talking about an upgrade on the home entertainment system... I don't want to judge people, but jiminy cricket, what is wrong here? The dad is on some kind of disability which is garnisheed for his other kids. And we can't seem to have any.

I ran into a couple of my old colleagues the other day and they gave me a couple of leads of people to call about possibly getting some freelance copywriting and voiceover jobs. I don't really think that would be a conflict of interest, as my company actually does very little advertising work, and none locally, but if it causes a problem, I will quit and get some retail work. That may be the answer anyway. The networking is definitely a big step in the right direction, I know.