I care, therefore I am

When I worked in radio full-time, I could almost never be happy with what I had. The money wasn't good, the hours were frequently terrible and I rarely felt challenged, but I kept sticking it out. Once, for about a year, I was very happy. I was doing news on a morning show with a partner I really liked. We just clicked together and it was fun to go to work, even before 5 AM. Everything in my life was lovely at that time as I, at 29/30, finally had a boyfriend, I loved my apartment and my car. Then came November. My grandmother went to the hospital, my car got totalled, my leg got scalded, the boyfriend had to go to the emergency room on the day we were to move my grandmother's things from a retirement home to a nursing home, and then on Thanksgiving Day, my grandmother died. Everything started gearing back down, and I had a lovely Christmas, and took stock of all the good things in my life. And at midnight of that New Year, G asked me to marry him.

All was right again until exactly 2 months later. That was the morning my morning show partner and I were let go. No warning, just goodbye. It made very little sense. We didn't have a permanent Program Director at that point and the station was in the midst of a sales transaction and hadn't changed hands yet. The PD who'd set everything in motion was gone. Why had he even bothered? My heart was broken. I'm a different person now because of that day, more cynical, less trusting, and less inclined to hope for a stellar career.

I worked temp jobs and part-time radio jobs for a few months until I got a low-paying job at another company's unloved stepchild radio station. I stuck that out for nearly a year and got out! Woo hoo, good for me! I was completely out of the business for about 5 months, then took another part-time job voicetracking. That means recording your show ahead of time so it sounds like you're live. If you listen to music radio, the DJs rarely work weekends anymore, they mostly voicetrack. I did that for a year, and finally, oh joy, a fulltime position opened up. It was not, however, the stuff of my dreams. It was doing middays, basically just reading liners, not much personality required (or desired) at the station that'd canned me 3 years prior. I took it anyway. After all, it had changed hands again, so none of the principals responsible for the canning were still there. I was not really happy, but not miserably unhappy either. It was a nice, relatively easy job, but I wanted to do more, so I told my boss. And I got more to do. I helped schedule music, produced station promos and imaging, and helped administer a contest that made my skin crawl. I was Miss Helpful, but I still wanted more.

Another position, a morning show co-host at our sister station down the hall, came open because someone was moving to California. I still wasn't over the morning show bug, because despite not being a morning person and reallly not liking getting up by 4AM, I did like the interaction with another person, and actually being able to say something, however inane it may be, beyond just reading the liner cards we read most of the day. Radio used to be a different animal before the 80s when (stop, don't say it, don't get political, argh, sorry here it comes) THE motherloving REPUBLICANS deregulated broadcasting, opening the door for the Clear Ch*nnels and other corporate giants of the world to ruin what used to be a fun business. Sorry, rant over. Middays are boring, mornings not as much and I thought I should take a run at it. I got to substitute on the other station's morning show for a few days, but was pretty sure I was not clicking with the other guy, and that I wouldn't get the position. That was OK, I decided, because I had made it plain that I would not be the disgruntled employee and would remain happy where I was. That apparently didn't matter, because a few weeks later, I was out on my ear. I think I've gone into my theories about that before, and they don't matter right now. What matters is that I was out for no good reason. Replaced by another woman who is good, but not better than I am. My very nice mother recently hypothesized that my replacement was sleeping with someone. I doubt that, but again, not the point.

The point is, I got out. For 3 1/2 years this time, until I started voicetracking for 2 of my previous company's stations last month. Last week, my former supervisor and first morning show partner, who's been at the station a long time called and asked if I wanted to do news this week. On the station from which I've been fired twice. Twice. I nearly said no, but then said to myself, what the hell? So, I've been getting up at 4 all week to do someone else's show. I feel like someone who is addicted to abusive relationships. Of course, once again, everyone in management is different again except my supervisor, and he never had any say-so in my getting fired, it was always the PDs or GMs. And the said thing is, a little voice in my head is saying maybe they'll have a full-time job for you soon. Sadder still, I'd probably take it. I'd be a bit ashamed of myself, partly because it seems the easy thing to do. I wanted to challenge myself and branch out. On the other hand, I'm good at it. I've never gotten the appreciation I want but I am good. Not fabulous, but good, and a darned good worker. The security would be nice. We need insurance. I need a job. There's a day care center next door, which is also near where my last job was. I walk past it like I'm window shopping. Yesterday, I saw the back of a little girl's ponytailed head and I suddenly had a vision of dressing my own little girl, and putting a backpack on her for some kind of a day trip. As much as I've wanted children, I've never had that kind of feeling before. It was wonderful. So, I suppose a radio job might not be so bad. Thank you sir, may I have another?