So, when are you going to have a baby?

Checking in

2010-08-11T10:24:00.003-04:00

Very little has changed in 5 years, same old frustrations, no kids, no money, blah blah blah. I bore myself so won't post to bore others. However, I've seen some very interesting spam in my comments. One was about alpaca infertility. That's pretty damned funny! I've started another blog but have only one post as of yet. I may check into some of the blogs I used to read to see what's up with those folks. Oh, and hi!

While...

2005-11-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

-I'm still feeling sorry for myself
-I'm still a malcontent--a job-hating doof
-I'm still extremely, irritatingly, mind-numbingly restless

I'm happy to report that one of my very good friends has proved that IVF can work. She had one failed go-round this summer, and wasn't planning another, but gave in to the urge. Of course, she lives in Illinois where health insurance laws are much kinder to the infertile, but she found out Monday, 5 days after her 43rd birthday, that she got a Halloween treat this year. And of course, I'm hoping to follow my fellow 40-year-old Brooke Shields in finding out that after years of infertility, voila, I can get pregnant, too. Ya never know. Also, hopefully getting slowly closer to setting adoption wheels in motion. I'll be back.

Taking a break again

2005-06-05T21:54:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to stop for awhile again, maybe for a few weeks, maybe longer. Reading blogs, blogging, etc. It's just difficult to feel everyone else is moving forward and we're just stuck. We're in our 40s and we just can't get on our feet. G has quit working for the employer for whom he did the majority of his work. He really never should've worked for them in the first place, they're often pretty shady. They're also our insurance agent, and they've really never done anything but take our money. I'm glad he's quit them, but I'm not sure what's next. It may be fabulous, and I can only hope so, but right now, it just feels like another in a very long series of blows. If I believed in that sort of thing, I'd say our house is cursed. It certainly seems to attract piles and piles of junk. My grandmother was sort of a pack rat, and one day, my grandfather called my mother crying because of all the stuff in the house. He wasn't the sort to do that kind of thing, and my mother and father were quite worried, and came to the house (they live 30 miles away) under the pretense that they were out shopping and just decided to stop by. My grandfather was fine by then and never had another similar episode, that we know of. I've felt the same way. G has so much stuff related to all of his hobbies that I often don't feel there's room for me here. And I hate it here. I always have. 9 years of living in a house I don't like. I try to make it better, but the improvements never last. Maybe we can find jobs elsewhere and just go. I just don't know and I feel so lost and tired.
I also feel like it's just not meant for us to have a family. I was 29 before I found someone to love, and he'd had a vasectomy. We had that taken care of, but no baby. By a couple of years later, I knew there must be more cause, so we did the IVFs, and the lap. And so, tried to move on to adoption. But every time we get close to being able to start, something else happens. My employer goes under. My car gets crashed. I know adoption can happen without lots of money, but probably not the way I want. And we wouldn't be able to give our kids the things they'd want.

I know I'll feel better in the morning. I've been scrubbing the kitchen floor, and cleaning our house always depresses me, because I see how much more there is to be done. I'll be over that in awhile. When we were on our way to Cleveland last weekend, there were rainbows in the sky for a lot of our drive, and I felt they meant something good. I still hope so.

Bad News? Good News? The suspense is killing me

2005-05-31T10:15:00.000-04:00

So, Friday morning at 12:50a.m. when we'd been asleep for about an hour, we heard a commotion outside. In my grogginess, I realized I heard a car alarm, but it took a bit for it to register that it might be mine. Of course, it was. G. looked outside and told me to call the police, because my car was either gone or had been knocked down the street. It turns out that it had been knocked across the street, and was sitting, facing the street, in the yard of an apartment building. It's quite pretty, I'll try to post some photos. The driver's side headlight and surrounding area are completely f--ked, and the back is bashed in, too. I'm REALLY hoping the insurance company will total it, because it will never be the same. The dimwit who smashed the car sure seemed like he was on something, but EMS cleared him of being drunk. He supposedly asked our neighbor across the street for a ride somewhere right after he hit my car, an attempt to flee, I suppose. He doesn't seem to have insurance, and he had taken his grandmother's car (without her permission) and SHE doesn't have insurance. Our aforementioned neighbor (who had her 6 year old daughter out with her at 1 a.m., walking across the glass-littered street in SANDALS) wound up giving the guy a ride home (?!!?). She told G. it was about an hour before the guy, with a cup of coffee poured down him, was coherent enough to be able to tell her and whoever was with her where he lived. My mother offered the helpful advice, "well, you shouldn't have parked it on the street." No shit, Mom. G. has the @#$%^ boat he built a few years ago but which has never seen water at the back of our drive. He always parks in the driveway because he's afraid his tools will be stolen, never mind that my car is much more valuable than his truck. Oh, and since some of his tools got stolen anyway this security plan didn't work that well, did it? We've been wanting to build a garage for years, but one thing or another always gets in the way. I've always had visions of someone hitting my car, but driving away, and us never finding out what happened. We got the guy this time, but it may be moot. I guess my inusrance company could do something to recover the loss--attach his wages (if he has any) or something. Our independent agent, G's main employer, is afraid we'll get dropped from our (crappy) company if they have to pay this claim. We had a claim a couple of years ago when I hit G's truck in the driveway (long day, lots of driving, attended a concert, NO DRINKING INVOLVED, just too tired to drive). If they drop us because of this, which was not our fault as WE WERE IN BED, we'll sue.

If they total it, it could honestly be a good thing. I've been thinking as soon as the car's paid off, we could start paying for adoption applications, home studies, etc. My car had low mileage and we could clear about $12,000 after loan payoff. If that's the case, I'll try to find a decent used car for about 10K and have some left over to get us jumpstarted in adoption. We'll see. As I told G, I never loved my car, but I did like it. I just need something reliable to get around in that will hold a car seat and a stroller ;).

In my closet

2005-05-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

I know that barring hitting Powerball, moving to another state, or getting a job in the state with insurance that covers infertility, I will not be doing IVF or probably any other treatment again. So why do I have leftover PIO, needles, and a shoot-me-up travel kit in my closet? Well, yes, I know it would be a bad idea to just put a bunch of hypodermics out for Waste Management to pick up, but I could give them to a doctor's office, donate them to a clinic or something. But they're in my closet. Inertia? Self-punishment? Misguided wishful thinking? Whenever I think about getting rid of the paraphernalia I think, "no, I'll just hang onto it a little longer." It'll come in handy when I start my habit, I guess.

Wonder if it was a mustang

2005-05-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

Of course, this guy IS from Kentucky.

Enough Already

2005-05-16T17:16:00.000-04:00

Liquor's quicker, but...

2005-05-12T12:46:00.000-04:00

Creme Savers Tropicals rock! They say "Limited Edition" on the package. Mango and cream, Bananas and cream, and pina colada--all pretty tasty!

Now back to your regular programming...

Spooky

2005-05-12T11:50:00.000-04:00

I told G while we were at a Derby party the other day, that I could hear the announcer saying "it's Giacamo, Giacamo!" This was before the race, and yes, I did bet the horse. I never usually bet horses to place, but unfortunately I did this time, and the limit for place horses at this party was 8-1. If I'd bet him to win, I'd have gotten 40-1 odds, still not the 50-1 he paid at the track. Still, my premonition paid off.

Back in November, I had an interview with one of the largest ad/PR agencies in the state, and was very hopeful going in, but as soon as I walked in the lobby of the building, I was slammed with the feeling I was never going to work there. It didn't affect my interview, in fact, it may have made me more relaxed. I was disappointed a couple of weeks later when I found that I didn't get the job, but not shocked or devastated, because I'd already known.

Right now I have the feeling I'm not going to be at my current job a lot longer, because something better's a -comin'. It may be wishful thinking this time, though. We'll see.

Not My Day

2005-05-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

The picture disk I picked up from Mei*er this morning after dropping off a disposable camera yesterday has no pictures, although the little thumbnails they gave me look fine. I'm going to have to go back. The tire I had fixed Monday afternoon is flat again. I'm going to have to go back. I have cramps, just in time for Mother's Day. Whine, whimper.

Not to Worry

2005-05-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

Worrying comes naturally for me, as I come from a long line of worryers. OK, a line of 2 before me, but it could go back farther than that. My grandmother worried all the time. I loved to go spend the night with her at her apartment, because we played card games , watched soap operas, recited nursery rhymes and Bible verses, and she let me stay up late and drink coffee in the morning (OK, mostly milk and sugar with a little coffee thrown in, but it WAS coffee). However, I really didn't like it when she came to babysit at our house. We couldn't do much of anything when she was there. She didn't want us to ride our bikes or go outside at all . Granted, she had osteoporosis, although we didn't know what it was called at the time, and couldn't have come running to help us if anything had happened, but my mother certainly wasn't outside with us all the time. Now this was over 30 years ago when tales of kids getting snatched or molested by strangers were more anecdotal than today, and it made no sense to us that we couldn't go play. She worried about plenty of other things over the years, particularly my sister and me. At some point someone who worked at her nursing home said he'd heard that one of us had been arrested or gotten into trouble over drugs. Now, if you knew us, especially me, you'd know this was a pretty hilarious accusation. And you'd think my grandmother, knowing us, and again, especially me, would've leapt to our defense. But the worryer in her let that little doubt in, I guess.

I didn't tell Mama' about G having had a vasectomy before we met, nor did I tell her when he had it reversed. A few years after we married, she started saying, "well, I guess you're not going to have children, or you would have by now." To her credit, she didn't really ask if we were trying, but she did make various comments. One time I'd finally had enough, so I told her that G'd had a vasectomy, but had had it reversed, so we might or might not have kids--but it wasn't looking good. She pretty much hit the mute button on that subject at that point. I told my parents I'd told her, and Dad (the other worryer) freaked out. I didn't see the big deal--she knew G had been married before. I guess Dad and Mom were afraid they'd have to discuss it with her a lot. When we started doing IVF the first time, Mom and Dad told Mama'. This time, I freaked. I really wasn't planning on discussing it with her until I was pregnant. At one visit she and I were talking about the IVF a little, and she said, "what if it's black"? I thought I must have misheard her and said "What?!?" She said, "what if it's black?" I never found my grandmother to be racist, at least not overtly so, although there were some tendencies, growing up when and where she did. And why this would've been her main concern, I don't know. Why not "what if it has 3 heads?", or "what if it's shaped like a petri dish?" It was funny and sad all at the same time. I explained, gently, that it would be G's baby, or we wouldn't have been doing it. She had taken my prior explanation about the slight chance of our getting pregnant on our own to mean NO chance. I told her about the low count, etc. She said well, she just didn't understand it all. I told her I didn't, either. After all, she was 92, and although I've gone through the process twice, and know that the people who've been successful have children who are VERY REAL, the whole thing does still smack a little of science fiction. I just found what she chose to worry about pretty odd that time. (Yes, I know, the appropriate answer to her question would have probably been, "What if it is?" It just didn't really seem necessary. And the answer is, she would've loved it, just as much as her other great-granddaughter and great-grandson. She really would have.)

My dad worries about everything, too. Every time he and Mom go on vacation, he reminds me where he's put their will. If I go to their home which is 30 miles away and highway all the way with no scary twists or turns -- very easy drive, I'm always expected to call and let them know I got there if G's not home. It makes my sister angry to have to do it when her husband is out of town, but I figure it's easier just to make him happy. G doesn't like going out to eat with Dad (and it's really not that much fun), because the whole drive to a restaurant, he's worried about finding a parking place. Then about getting in and getting a table. Then something else. He did come by it honestly.

I used to worry a lot. When I was around 10, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and lie awake for a long time, it seemed like hours, and worry about tornadoes, fires, robbers, earthquakes, you name it, it kept me up. I'd look out the window and hope the sun was about to come up. I didn't tell Mom and Dad until years later. I don't know what they would've done, but I'm sure they would've at least tried to reassure me. I've had other, more tangible worries over the years, and now they're usually money-related, but even there, I'm letting more of it go. Worrying isn't going to change it, make it better or get me a better salary or job. Or turn my gray hairs back to reddishy, auburny, brown. And things usually work out. Last week, I was worried at work. We had a large group of volunteers coming to do some work initially planned for outside. It became apparent as the week wore on that the weather was not going to allow them to paint the large storage shed or plant petunias, as we'd hoped. The alternative was to paint an office. We had 28-30 volunteers to paint AN OFFICE. My boss wasn't going to be here and I was feeling ill about the whole thing. I told her about my concern, and she told me they were also to paint another office and a short hallway. I felt better, but still, 2 offices and a hall for all those people? The company (let's call it Brown) is big on corporate giving and volunteerism. Some of their grants are tied to volunteer hours. I was just concerned that if they got here and didn't have enough to do, they'd never come back. NEVER. Well, of course, I didn't really need to worry. First of all, they only brought 19 people, which was still a fabulous number. One group was able to do a bit of weeding before the rain really kicked in. We had the above areas for them to paint, plus an empty client room in our assisted living area. And one of the aforementioned offices was actually 2 fairly large rooms, so the group had plenty to do. I fumed and worried for nothing. I hope this is not a trait my future children pick up from me or Dad. Geez, now I'm worried again.

Cold Turkey

2005-05-03T14:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't played any computer games since Thursday afternoon. Sad that I'm charting this, no? I'll take my victories where I can get them. It's amazing how many times I've started to open a game, but then stopped myself. It is kind of like a drug, I think, although never having had any physical addictions, I'm not sure. I've tried to stop before, but then I'll say, "oh, I'll just play one, no, two games. Wait, I'll play for 20 minutes, or OK, I can play a half hour, but no more." Two hours later, G has been in bed for an hour, my eyes are so dry I can't blink, my cats are starving, and I'm saying "this is the ABSOLUTE last game tonight". Sometimes I'll burn myself out on a game, and then learn another, and so the cycle begins again. I asked myself sometime last year, "if I were looking back over my life, would I want to sit and watch myself play those games again? Are those my proudest moments?" Well, sure, when I get my personal high score... It must stop. It makes me sad when I think how much time I've wasted on that crap. I'm not geting any younger, and I can't get my time back. And so, another fresh start--5 days and counting!

Whew

2005-05-03T09:03:00.000-04:00

Thank God they're not from Kentucky.

One step forward, two steps..you get the picture

2005-05-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

I got home Wednesday and my friend, who was to meet me to go to a show was already at my house, talking to G. When I came in, she said, "I'm so sorry for you guys". I suppose I gave her a pretty odd look, and she said to G, "you haven't told her yet?" He said he may be out of business. Now, this is something I've heard before from him, as he tends to exaggerate a bit. He then told me all his tools had been stolen, which made me think his truck had been robbed. It turns out he was referring to the tools he stores in a barn behind the business for which he does most of his work. I told my friend when we were at dinner that it may not be as bad as G made it out to be, and let her know he's overstated things in the past. When I got home that night, he said some of the things he thought were missing were actually in our basement, and some things were in the shed. On the other hand, he did notice that there were more things gone than he originally believed. His insurance will cover some things, but some people just suck. Really, really suck! Hopefully this will push him to make a good inventory list and take photos of EVERYTHING. I don't know how he's been running a business without it. Argh.

TV

2005-04-21T09:43:00.000-04:00

I don't watch the reality shows, although "Amazing Race" does sound interesting, and I want to get G on "Survivor"--he'd probably do very well. I used to love Star Search back in the 80s, but can't bring myself to watch more than a few minutes of "American Idol" at a time. However, from what I've seen, I'm really sorry Anwar is gone. He's a hottie, and I find him to be more "idol"ish star material than any of the others. I caught a few moments of Carrie's performance the other night, and couldn't understand why they thought it was good. She's also pretty stiff on stage.

I wish people would watch the shows I like. Sure, I like "Desperate Housewives" and "Lost" and they're doing ratings-wise, but I'm soooo sick of all the hype. I remember when the little (formerly known as Close-Up) boxes in TV Guide used to be reserved for special episodes of shows, but those shows get a box every week, not to mention article after article and interview after interview on every TV network. My favorite shows few are watching are "Scrubs" and "Arrested Development". I enjoy a comedy without a laugh track. I don't need to be told when to laugh. "Scrubs" was renewed for 2 years at the end of last season, so I guess it'll be back next year, but I don't hold out much hope for "Arrested Development". It makes me so sad that "The Apprentice" goes on, despite the repugnant Mr. T, and "American Idol" sometimes gets 3 nights (!!) a week, but clever, intelligent, original writing gets no notice from viewers.

Been thinkin'...

2005-04-18T16:35:00.000-04:00

like many, about this pharmacists and birth control thing. I guess I just wonder why some of these people got into that line of work in the first place. It's a scientific field. If we follow through with the anti-birth control line of thought, should we have prescription medicine at all? Do any pharmacists have a moral dilemma when dispensing Vi*gra? Maybe it's God's plan that we have high blood pressure and not try to control it. Maybe we shouldn't take ibuprofen or any other painkillers and should just smile through pain. And with that logic, we probably shouldn't have surgery. I suppose I should've died several years back since my gall bladder most likely would've exploded had I not had it out. While we're at it, let's be like the Amish, because God surely must not have meant us to have electricity, or cars. He must not have intended us to use our brains, the ones He gave us.

Bonus!

2005-04-13T09:32:00.000-04:00

It's fun to be 40! Yesterday at my exam, I got an extra poke, one my GYN said would make Katie Couric happy (I love my dr.). She also wrote an order for a mammogram, which I knew was coming. I had one at 35, so it's not a big deal. My dr. is leaving her current practice, the second she's been with since I've seeing her, and going into a gynecology-only practice with another doctor. I won't have to run into all the preggers that way. And, if by a miracle I get pregnant, I can just go back to that practice. I'm nothing if not ever hopeful.

The visit was pretty entertaining, as she came into the exam room wheeling a computer. They have a new system for ALL of your medical info. My RE hadn't forwarded her the info about my second IVF and my lap of a year and a half ago. He'd sent the first results, maybe he was too sad the second time. This computer program is pretty thorough. I've been having an irritation problem and she said the skin in that area looked a bit paler and thinner, possibly a result of all the fertility drugs. Well, yay. She noted this in my chart and then typed "SEE DIAGRAM." After typing, she pulled up a picture of a naked woman, and commented on her hairless (except for her head) state. She then goosed (her word) the picture's nether region with the cursor, which brought up the woman's hairless splayed glory. She used the cursor to indicate my thin-skinned lip, and was able to make it the approximate color.

"Picture b*ok,

Pictures of my c*oter,
On my gyno's 'puter,
Just a day ago."

Rock and Roll!!!

2005-04-12T09:10:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to plan a trip to Cleveland to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame over Memorial Day weekend, but am waiting to see how bad our tax bills will be. I started to plan this trip a couple of years ago when I thought I'd be asking for a raise, but that's when the bottom started to crumble away from the company where I was working. We haven't had a vacation trip for over two years, and I could really use one. The botanical garden in Cleveland has a big flower show that weekend that I believe G would really enjoy. Here's hoping the accountant does a great job keeping what we owe low, low, low!

I've seen most of my favorite groups/singers in concert, but have never seen Eric Carmen, whom I love. I was too young to appreciate his group, the Raspberries, when they were popular. I was only about 7 when they started getting popular, and at that point I was into Donny Osmond, the Partridge Family and the Monkees still, even though they had broken up a few years before. I fell in love with the song "Never Gonna Fall in Love Again" when I was 11, and became an Eric Carmen fan. He performed with the "Dirty Dancing" tour, but hasn't done any real touring that I know of, and I certainly never dreamed the Raspberries would reunite. I found out, too late, that they had, to do a couple of weekend shows in Cleveland (their hometown) over Thanksgiving weekend, or we could have gone then. By the time I found out it was sold out. Even after 30 years, they apparently have rabid fans, and they're doing some scattered shows now. They had a show in Chicago that I also missed, and will be in NYC and Denver. I have a good friend in Colorado Springs, and I'm tempted to go out and visit and see if she wants to go with me, but if I did that I'd have to offer to pay for her ticket, and she'd have to get a sitter (her husband's in Iraq). Plus, there'd be the plane ticket, rental car, etc. So unless I get a windfall, no Raspberries for me, unless they come a little closer to here.

Lazy

2005-04-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

I am very, very lazy. Hence, the lack of entries. If you saw my house, you'd agree about the indolence. Heck, you'd probably say I needed professional help (housekeeping, organizing, deep, mind-probing counseling) and I do. I sheepishly called our accountants the other day and asked if we could bring our info today, and the smiling receptionist said "Sure!" I'm sure they hate us now. I used to do our taxes, which inspired headaches and crying jags, mainly after G started his own business. When I had my game show winnings to include, I insisted we use an accountant, and G was so pleased with the results that we've continued using them, even though I probably could have done it with Turbotax last year. This year's forms are so scary, with my multitude of W-2s and 1099s, that I didn't want to chance it. Hopefully G has everything turned in by now.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday literally shoveling out insulation that G pumped into our attic a couple of months ago. We'd never cleaned up the excess, because I was too lazy until yesterday. I think it's kind of funny that the insulation is made of recycled newspaper--makes me feel good and green (the good kind of green). I'm sure it gives conservatives in my community a lot of pleasure to think they were using the grindings of our local newspaper to plug up holes in their houses. There's still so much to do. G's sister is hounding him to help her at her house, and he's futzing with the garden and other things that he wants done, so he's telling her he'll help her when he finishes his giant list. I told him to tell her I'm leaving him if he works on her house before our bedroom is done. I bought border paper 2 months ago and paint about 3 weeks ago, and I can't get him to finish sanding and prepping our walls for paint. Sigh.

First visit to my portal maintenance tech in two years tomorrow. I'm making a list of things to ask her about, all probably due to pre-menopause. My previous 2 cycles had been 27 days, and I was hoping this one would be the same, so everything would be all spic and span for the stirrups, but of course, this month it didn't come 'til Day 29. I suppose she's seen worse.

Minty Fresh

2005-04-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

I love this, and not just because there's a song called "Tracy Hide", which is lovely. The link actually has the wrong album title, it's supposed to be self-titled. If you like Beatlesque-Brian Wilson-pop, this is so cool. Problem is, it's about 10 years old and an import, so picking it up will probably require going through Amazon, ebay, or finding it in a bin at your favorite used record store. I'm a huge Raspberries/Eric Carmen fan, and the Wondermints must be, too.

Oh, I guess all is now safe. UK lost. Damn. Double overtime. Double damn.

Warning, warning

2005-03-25T16:55:00.000-05:00

A battle of epic proportions is possible. It could happen April 4th. Much rioting and carnage would ensue. It's not WWIII. There is a possibility the University of Kentucky (UK) and the University of Louisville (U of L) could play in the NCAA Men's final game. This would result in much trash talking, car tipping, bar fighting, you name it. It could be very exciting, but very scary and I fear for my life. Hopfully UK will keep their hopes alive tonight, but my intuition's saying they'll be out. Stay tuned, sports fans...

Green

2005-03-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about jealousy since Karen ran a poll on her website and one of the questions was "Are you jealous of me?" Well, duh, of course I am, she's a cutie. Not seriously jealous, but a wee bit. Watching TV brought out the old green-eyed monster this morning, though. Where does that term originate anyway? Are people with green eyes jealous of others? Are we supposed to be jealous of people with green eyes? Because my blue eyes are one of the things about my appearance that actually make me happy. Back to who actually made me jealous this morning.

Ken Jennings. He's on yet another commercial. There again, I'm not REALLY jealous, but he has turned his Jeopardy! appearances into a whole career. He's got a book deal, at least two national commercials plus all the dough he won. Someone asked me the other day how I would've done against him and I said he would've wiped the floor with me, most days, anyway. You couldn't win continuously when I was on, which is moot anyway, since I lost on my 3rd appearance. If I hadn't, I might be on the current big-ass tournament they're running. I have gotten some minor celebrity from it, and even got a mention last month in my hometown newspaper's editorial section last month, and it's been more than 3 years since I was on the show. I got the full treatment then, radio appearances, colums about me in the local newspaper and alternative paper, and articles and photos in the hometown paper.
The chick who stole my last fulltime broadcasting job. OK, she didn't steal it, she didn't hire herself, of course. Apparently my position was available, I just didn't know it until I was axed. This lady gets lots of voiceover work and I heard one of her TV spots in the same break with the Ken commercial. She also sings and got to sing on the CD the station released at Christmas, something I'd thought we could do several years ago, and I wanted to sing. Actually, I'd been thinking more in terms of a concert, but same thing. Sometimes it just feels like "anything I can do, she can do better." Not true, but it feels that way.

I 'm also somewhat jealous of anyone who figures out a way to work from home and make a decent living that way. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

My Syndrome of the Week

2005-03-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

ABH, as in Anywhere But Here. Midlife crisis, you say? Possibly. Mild depression? Could be. Stupidity? Most assuredly. I'm itching to go somewhere. I've lived within 120 miles of here all my life. I was born about 30 miles away, went to a state university, and my first job was about 45 miles on the other side of my hometown. I had the opportunity to move one state away, to Ohio, 13 years ago, but I gave it up for a slight promotion and pay raise where I was. I'd have made a lot more if I moved, but I told myself, "money isn't everything." Plus, if I'd moved, I may not have met G. I told G a couple of weeks ago that I'd like to move to California and he just said, "why?" I dunno. And it's not California, necessarily, I really just pulled that one out of a hat. I do feel very restless, which may be attributable to my next syndrome...

CBH: Can't Be Happy. 2 months ago I was telling myself there was no downside to this job. Wrong! I do not like it, Sam I Am. I don't want to be unhappy, though. I don't want to whine about another job because I know no one wants to hear it, least of all me. It's Karma, I'm sure. My mother has a good friend, a wonderful woman. Growing up in my sheltered, smalltown world, she was the most bohemian person I knew. I love her, but used to look down on her a bit because I thought she flitted from job to job--"I think I'll try this this week." Little did I know my resume would wind up looking like a menu at TGI Friday's (the old, book-style ones).

Getting past it

2005-03-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

Something very nifty happened yesterday. I stopped being jealous of people doing IVF, or anything ART-related. I 've never seethed with anger over hearing about people being successful, but felt very wistful and thought, "if I could just try again..." I think it was getting an issue of Infertility Times in the mail yesterday. I don't know why, but something about the ads just PISSED ME OFF! Nothing concrete, nothing I can spill out to you, but yesterday put the finishing touches on everything for me. One of my friends is just starting the process and feeling nervous, and I can just be happy and hopeful for her, because I'm done. This is not to say that if I won Powerball on Saturday I wouldn't try it again. I would. Probably a couple more times, if money were no object. I'm also not going to say I'm not hoping that it'll just happen, because I am, and it could. I'm letting go of it a little all the time, though, and I do feel I've turned a corner. And it's good.

Guilt Raffle

2005-03-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

In the Assisted Living center at my workplace, there's a sign posted. Walking up to it the other day, I thought it said "Guilt Raffle." It, of course, actually said "Quilt Raffle." It got me thinking, though. Is there anyone's guilt you'd buy a ticket for? I mean, I wonder if Bill Gates ever feels any guilt over having all that money. I'd be willing to assume a little of that guilt, along with some of the money, of course. I don't feel a lot of guilt generally. For a good while, I had a secret shame in that I hadn't actually graduated from college, but I let people think I had. For the record, I only lacked a couple of hours, which I finally completed, and since 2003 I have been the official possessor of a diploma that says I am a B.A. For the past couple of weeks, I have borne the guilt over an incident that I'm not even ready to blog about because it was BAD. The initial act wasn't my fault, but the follow-up or lack thereof was my fault. I'd love to raffle that one. I'd give the money to a worthwhile cause. Really, I would.

A Toe in the Water

2005-03-09T12:46:00.000-05:00

I've registered on the Adoption.com forums and have questions out to some members. I've downloaded an application from the agency we may use. Wow!!

Look, It's an Actual Title!

2005-03-03T09:37:00.000-05:00

Blogger's actually making this easier. I probably could've done this for awhile, but was just too damned lazy to figure it out.

On...

2005-03-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

Working for a Non-Profit

The new computers seem nice, but cheap. The Financial Director decided to go with a wireless network, instead of getting each office wired for our connection. It was a practical decision, as our offices may be moving again in the next couple of years, and not installing all the wiring will leave the patio home intact. The move, however, is in question as my boss and the PH coordinator would prefer to stay here, and this home is the least likely to be reserved, for several reasons. Still, it would be nice if they'd ponied up the dough, and maybe we wouldn't have the connection and memory problems we seem to be having, which certainly do not add to the joys of...

Being an Assistant

Hearing your name spoken is supposed to be a pleasant experience, but the "Tracy" echoing down the hall several times a day does not fill my heart with thanksgiving. I'm not a computer expert--far from it, my friends. But every time there's a problem, I'm supposed to fix it, or at least listen to her complain about it. I actually did fix a problem Tuesday, quite by accident. When A (my boss) tried to connect to our shared drive, she got an error indicating she wasn't connected. The icon representing our wireless network said that not only was she connected, it was an EXCELLENT connection. Going through My Computer, I right-clicked on the drive icon, after many other blind stabs at a fix. I clicked on Disconnect, thinking when I tried clicking on it again I'd get an option to Reconnect. Uh, no. The entire icon disappeared, apparently upset that I'd questioned it's stability. I then tried the same thing with our Shared Apps. It disappeared, too. I didn't really panic, because I knew I could get them back, but I also knew that would cause more boss whining. I went to the desktop and clicked on the Shared Drive icon there. It opened up. I don't know why. Yesterday, she was having problems with Outlook. "Tracy..." It turned out she didn't need Outlook, she just needed to get on the Internet, and didn't remember to click on the Explorer icon.

I wrote and sent out a press release yesterday, going against some of my own feelings about how to format and word a release. It's just easier than trying to talk her out of her own way. I used one of her old releases as a template, and made some minor changes, but she didn't seem to have any problem with those, and did say it was good. Having been on the receiving end of such releases I know what I like to see, and what I think is professional. She likes to indent, which is personal letter style, not professional. She has other preferences, such as a specific font I don't like, and using lots of bold characters and "quotation" marks. She is a CMP, and I'm not, but I've done radio news. That's not to say that I'm a journalist by any means, but I do have an idea of what's usable. It's not a fight I'm prepared for yet, but maybe gradually I can make some changes. She is the boss, and I'm fine with that. I'm just not sure how long I will be.

Can't Stop

2005-02-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

I attended a meeting about the health insurance coverage at WM a couple of weeks ago. There were pages of the covered prescription drugs in the booklet and I couldn't help myself. Guiltily, I scanned down to check for fertility drugs, and lo and behold, Gonal-F was tucked in there, right in the middle of the Gs. So of course, I began thinking, "Could it be? Fertility treatments covered by my employer?" Knowing the answer, I asked anyway. No, they're not. Only a small sigh this time.

2005-02-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

ETC.

Last week, despite hitting 40, was super. On Valentine's Day, I received the requisite dozen red roses, Sealab 2021 Season Two and Brak Show DVDs, and a home-grilled steak dinner. I bought G a membership in a beer club at our favorite liquor behemoth. Every month he will get to pick up a specially-chosen 6-pack or its equivalent, plus he gets a t-shirt and 10% off any case he chooses. On Tuesday, my boss and other co-worker took me to lunch, and my former boss Vicki, along with Jan, went with us. Jan had an office at my former company, and while she wasn't a fulltime employee, did a lot of video editing work for us. She also is responsible for getting me the freelance job that helped G and me get through 2004. From these sweet ladies I received a bottle of Estee Lauder Pleasures, a potted tulip, books (The Eyre Affair and a trivia book), and a cute little birthday monkey. Later in the afternoon I was looking at some of our unoccupied patio homes with the homes coordinator (who is the aforementioned co-worker), and when we returned to our offices, my parents were there to surprise me with a lovely outfit and America (The Book). I love the stereo G. got me, and we had a lovely gut-stuffing Italian dinner. No horrible surprises or even any mean cards. And it isn't THAT different from 39. But it is different.

By the way, we have a temporary health insurance policy to tide us over until April when we'll get on the group policy here. I really need a checkup but am hesitant to do anything until at least April, for fear of red tape if I have any ongoing problems. I think any problems I have are caused by awful, ugly hormones , which have been the bane of my existence since I was in high school and started sprouting way too much hair on my chin and in other areas. I'm starting to have this fear of being an old woman in a nursing home (PC term at my organization is Health Care Center), having a full beard and being bald, and no one knowing or caring, and having them think I'm an old man.

2005-02-23T10:49:00.000-05:00

Got job?

And so, I have rejoined the world of the fully employed. After Christmas, I got a call from the wife of one of my former bosses (at my last full-time job). She was looking for a Development Assistant at the retirement community where she works. I started here 4 weeks ago. WM is affiliated with, but not run or fully supported by, the denomination I've been a part of all my life (UMC). My grandmother (who was Baptist) lived here for a few months before she died in 1995, so I have many connections to the job. Our offices are in one of the patio homes, and I have my own lovely office with a window. The job's only about 12 miles from home, and I'm going against the bulk of the traffic mornings and afternoons. It all seems perfect and yet... Oh, I'm so thankful to be somewhere so nice where I might actually make a difference in people's lives, and I want to keep an open mind and hope it'll last forever, but I have a feeling I'll be restless within a year or so. My boss is a very nice person, but conservative and resistant to technology, i.e. computers, internet, etc. We just got new computers a week and half ago, and she's griping about XP (her old OS was Windows 98--mine was 95, so I'm thrilled with the new stuff). I tell her it'll just take some getting used to. We'll see.

I'm not making the kind of salary I was hoping to get, but it's the best salary I've gotten thus far. When I was fulltime in radio I made a little less, but I got quite a few remotes, which make up for not getting a topnotch salary. I'm still doing my TV announcing and my weekend radio stuff, so that money will help. I'm going to start actively pursuing more voice work in the next month or so, too. My plan is to pay off my car early, and then work on the other debts. I think it's time to go on and fill out the adoption applications. I'm terrified of more debt, but Mom and Dad will help with the money. I'm not sure they realize how expensive it all is. I'm thinking we might lean toward adopting from Guatemala, but we've still not hashed it all out. It's almost bad making some money now, because while most of me wants to save as much as possible, the other, smaller part is screaming loudly for stuff, stuff, stuff!!! I've got a trial subscription to XM at work because of the Dell computers, and now I'm lusting to have it all of the time. G got me a nice office stereo for my birthday and it does have an aux jack, so I could listen to it here. He asked if I wanted a car stereo, and I said no, but I do. There are so many things I want. A garage. A dining room set. New stuff for our house. New clothes. New everything. But I want family more. I think part of the draw of the other stuff is I could get it now. But I'd be paying for it later. Money makes the world go round and round and round til I'm just dizzy.

2005-02-15T11:26:00.000-05:00

A haiku

How'd I get this old?

Does life really begin here?

Dear Lord, I'm forty.

2004-12-07T18:08:00.000-05:00

Time Flies

whether you're having fun or not. Not that I haven't had any fun, but you understand. I actually didn't realize it'd been that long since I wrote, but it has. I'm getting ready to leave now, but will follow up soon.

2004-10-29T01:33:00.000-04:00

We Are Mean

We are not going to previously mentioned 5-year-old's birthday party on Sunday. Why? Because we are mean. We don't want to. Na-na-na-na-na phblttt!!! And, his birthday was actually 2 days ago and he's having a kid party tomorrow. The party we are invited to is for family and special friends. Will he miss us? No, but of course, they'll tell us he did. Does he need another toy from us? Nooooo. You'd think I'd be past this nasty phase, seeing how this is day 5 (6?) of my period. I'm telling myself that after my birthday in February (when I am 40) that I will stop monitoring when I start, when I might be ovulating, etc. It's still good to have an idea when the dam's about to break loose, I suppose.

2004-10-24T17:20:00.000-04:00

Things I Have Done While Refraining from Blogging

Had a nice anniversary

G and I were married 8 years on September 21st. We had dinner at a lovely restaurant, a relatively new "Wine Bar & Bistro", where we enjoyed excellent food, a selection of wine "tastes", and dessert, which we generally only order on special occasions. That was followed by a Broadway show, and some lovely recreation when we got home. I haven't told him that earlier in the day when I was out hunting an additional gift for him that I ran the wheels on the passenger side of my car off the side of a driveway where I was trying to turn around to avoid a traffic snag. At first I thought everything was OK, but later I found a piece hanging off the bottom of my car. I tried to free it (it just needed one bolt loosened to come off at this point) myself, but was rescued by a Good Samaritan. By running the serial number through a search, I've discovered that the part is a radiator support which I have not yet had replaced.

Enjoyed time with friends

Weekend before last, we had dinner with our closest friends, and my wonderful friend launched into her "you need to adopt an older child, that'll be easier" speech. I think she really only cares about getting a playmate for her 5 year old, and not about what I want. I simply said "but I want a baby", and she looked smug and pretty much told me she was right. Where she's gotten that information, I don't know. It really pisses me off. I want a baby. I do. I want to be there when he/she says first words, takes first steps, etc. I want the whole thing. My friend's been through it twice, so why does she think I don't need that, too? I wish I'd thrown in a MYOFB, but I didn't. I will try to refrain, but will also tell her if I need to, hopefully leaving the F out.

Played video games

Fiber Twig, Shape Shifter, Puzzle Express... C'mon, try 'em out! If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me.

Been visited by boils

A few weeks ago, I started getting nasty, painful zits. I get a big pimple every now and then, usually an ingrown hair. I've had an excess hair problem (face, chin, and other areas I don't care to go into right now) since I was a teenager. Despite that being a symptom of PCOS, I don't really seem to have that, and my hormones are not especially out of whack. I have slightly higher testosterone than average, but nothing outrageous. It's been a bane of my existence, but we go on. I was on the Pill combined with aldactone for many years, which helped keep the fuzz factor down, but before G had his vasectomy reversal, I went off them, partly to save money, and partly to get ready to become pregnant--hah! At any rate, over a month ago I started getting the giant volcanic zits. I'm not sure about the cause--I suspect a bum pair of tweezers that snip instead of pluck the hair. I gathered some info about boils/cysts/pimples/whatever online and purchased some antiseptic wash and tried to be scrupulously clean. I seemed to have the situation in hand, when another one popped up the other day, just in time for a job interview. So, yes, I suppose they could be stress-related, but am not sure. The lack of health insurance precludes any doctor visits, so I will just hope I'm done with them for awhile.

Spent much time at church

And G has been going with me--something that makes me very happy! We are doing a special program that many other churches across the country. It involves reading a very popular book (not including the title for fear of being linked from searches for it), special events at church, and a weekly study group for 6 weeks. I'm very pleased that G is doing this with me, for many reasons. I think it's a good thing for a couple to share, and something I want as part of our lives when we do have a child or two.

Waited, Waited, Waited

for a job, for a change, for a family...

2004-10-18T22:45:00.000-04:00

Still Around

I'm still slugging it out in part-time and freelance world. A job I'm supposed to have been offered was to start today, but there is still not a fulltimer in place. Right now it's being done by someone who has another position, and I don't think he's too happy about it. One of the people doing the hiring is apparently telling people I'm going to be doing the job. Funny thing is, he hasn't told me. Or asked me. Or discussed it with me at all. I haven't gotten the opportunity to negotiate a fabulous salary or perks. His assumptions are annoying, to say the least. I hope he doesn't think I'm so anxious to take this job that I'll run after any carrot he dangles in front of me. I've done it before, and I won't do it again. I don't believe this is my dream job, and I'm not going to risk having a building, festering resentment toward him, the company, the job, and myself. I've had enough of that, thank you. Must...stay...strong. I have to turn this down if it's not right. I know I deserve something good.

One of the reasons I haven't blogged lately is one of my dirty little secrets--addiction to stupid, useless, time-wasting computer games. I think I'm ruining my eyesight and I'm certainly getting nothing accomplished. I daydream all of the time about my successful screenwriting career, and yet, I write nothing. I also have so many other things I could do, yet I piss my time away with stupidity. What's up with that?

2004-09-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

The Problems of Youth

I had a phone conversation with my 4 1/2-year-old drama queen niece a little earlier. She was speaking in a very tiny, pitiful voice because her 14-month-old brother had torn up a page she had painted earlier. Now, mind you, this was not a personal water color or finger painting. Oh no, it was a page from one of those books that just requires a brush dunked in water to make the colors pop out on the page. She said she was having a very bad day.

I said, "You can do another picture."
Tiny, tiny voice: "But that was the only one I wanted to do. I knew having another baby was a bad idea."
"He's a very good little brother and you'll be so glad to have him when he's older."
"I don't like him very much."
"But you love him. You can not like someone but still love them."
"I don't love him anymore."

I tried to distract her for awhile by talking about my cats, which worked a little. We talked about their toys and whether they were ever mean. I told her they're not and they love visitors. She said they were her favorite kitties, even though she's never met them before. She mentioned my grandmother and said maybe she'd get to see her when she went to heaven, which weirded me out a little, but I'm glad she still thinks of Mama' (it's pronounced Mamaw, but my grandmother didn't really like that and spelled it with a bit of French affectation, even though all 4 of her grandparents came from Germany). She then asked me what (Christmas) ornaments I have. When I told her I have a Cinderella ornament she brightened and got much louder. She was a bit confused when I tried to explain that mine is not a Disney ornament but a tiny version of a Madame Alexander doll. She has a Madame Alexander doll, but as it's not for play, probably doesn't pay it much attention. She then returned to the painting tragedy.

"Nothing will ever cheer me up."
"Why don't you play with some bubbles today?"
"No, thank you. He tore up my picture. It was the only one I wanted to do."

She told me goodbye, and that maybe she could come and visit my kitties. She gave the phone back to my mother and we resumed our earlier chat. While we were talking, my niece did another picture, this time at the kitchen table so her unloved little brother could not tear it up. I heard her tell my mother she wanted to do one more. Mom said she didn't seem very sad any more. "Ever" didn't last too long, but she has a long memory, and though she will probably forgive little brother, she may never forget. I hope she never forgets Mama' either.

2004-09-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

Is it a cold or is it just allergies? As if allergies are "just" anything. If you feel bad, you feel bad.

Job news: I found out a few weeks ago that I am probably the frontrunner for a job. I don't know if I really want the job, but am more than willing to discuss it with the possible employer, one of my former employers. I have doubts that they'll pay anywhere near what I should be and need to be making at this point. This is not negative thinking, it's just my way of not getting my hopes up. I'm very concerned about the potential for being exploited in this position ("Tracy, could you do this just for this week? Tracy, could you help cover _____'s shift, along with your own, just for their vacation? "Tracy, would you mind..."). I've always been very accommodating, Jenny-on-the-spot, and despite my good intentions I don't feel it's benefited me much thus far. I'm willing to try again, though. I already have a bare minimum salary in mind, along with certain other requirements I have. We'll see.

2004-09-12T13:04:00.000-04:00

My favorite spam subject line of the day:
"Sexually explicit: Stupid teens that screw for cash."

Does their being stupid somehow make them even sexier?

2004-08-27T15:03:00.000-04:00

So...

In retrospect, I'm pretty sure I did everything wrong at my interview. Everything. I was not thrilled about going in the first place, and probably didn't jump up and down enough and tell them how thrilled and excited I was about the chance to work for them. And I'm also happy I didn't get an offer. It was pointless for me to go in and interview for the same job (practically) I had before. There's no way I should be considering an entry level position at a firm that size. Possibly and only if necessary, I could look at an administrative position at a top 5 firm. Anything else is just a big step back. I start feeling a bit desperate sometimes, but I know I shouldn't totally torpedo my career, even though it's not my top priority. Getting a job is my priority, so we can pay down debts and work on adoption. But it doesn't mean I have to make coffee and order office supplies if I don't want to.

2004-08-25T18:30:00.000-04:00

I don't get it

Another job interview that I thought went well. Another rejection the very next day. What the hell am I doing wrong? I mean, I REALLY thought I'd be invited back for a second interview. Maybe it was the amount I named, which was more than what they said they'd pay, but not that much more. I thought negotiation was part of the whole thing. I absolutely HATE being asked my salary requirements before the job has been offered. The thing is, I was interviewing for the same thing all over again--an admin. position with a communications agency. But these people said they wanted someone to do much more. I saw real potential there, even though it isn't one of the top agencies in town. I just don't know. Maybe I was too candid. Maybe I expected too much. I saw myself being offered the job. OK, I'll be completely honest here. If they'd offered it, I was going to use the fact to push another potential employer to go on and get themselves together and offer me the job they've hinted they might have. And then I was going to be able to weigh the two and decide. That's gone. I don't get it. I can't imagine this company finding someone who would be better than I am for the job. I really can't.

2004-08-22T14:45:00.000-04:00

I know, I know...

That I'm a boring blogger. I'm so far off my original topic, but...well, the IVF didn't work out. G was judging fish again the other night and I realized it had been a year since my negative Beta. I know that most of the readers of these infertility/adoption etc. blogs probably don't care about my job search. Frankly, I probably wouldn't either, especially one that's gone on 8 months plus, and there was all the whining about my other job prior to that. But I have to focus on it. I can't even look at the adoption books, brochures, etc. There doesn't seem any point until I have a job and some insurance. If I let myself get in a funk about the lack of babies, I'm afraid I won't get back up. I usually do, but you never know. So, I'm going to continue to put that first and the other things on hold, as very very much as I don't want to. There's just not another option at this point. And so, I'm going to continue to blog as a placeholder. And I'll try to be interesting once in awhile!

2004-08-21T12:43:00.000-04:00

I've been very busy lately--good thing, I know.

1) Part-time work at radio company. And yes, like I said in last post, they have mentioned the possibility of a fulltime position. I'm not holding my breath because:
a) It may not happen
b) I'm not sure I'd want it anyway
c) I have serious doubts they'll pony up enough dough.
I'll keep you posted.

2) Part-time work at company that provides traffic reports to several radio and TV stations in town. There's a possibility they may also use me for news reports, but I don't really care either way. This is not so exciting because it can be very stressful and it doesn't pay much, but it gets me out of the house.

3) Free-lance proofreading job for my former boss. This was a fun little project--I wish I could get more like it.

4) New job opportunity--more of the same as before. I'll be glad to have an interview, though. We'll see.

2004-08-12T20:00:00.000-04:00

I care, therefore I am

When I worked in radio full-time, I could almost never be happy with what I had. The money wasn't good, the hours were frequently terrible and I rarely felt challenged, but I kept sticking it out. Once, for about a year, I was very happy. I was doing news on a morning show with a partner I really liked. We just clicked together and it was fun to go to work, even before 5 AM. Everything in my life was lovely at that time as I, at 29/30, finally had a boyfriend, I loved my apartment and my car. Then came November. My grandmother went to the hospital, my car got totalled, my leg got scalded, the boyfriend had to go to the emergency room on the day we were to move my grandmother's things from a retirement home to a nursing home, and then on Thanksgiving Day, my grandmother died. Everything started gearing back down, and I had a lovely Christmas, and took stock of all the good things in my life. And at midnight of that New Year, G asked me to marry him.

All was right again until exactly 2 months later. That was the morning my morning show partner and I were let go. No warning, just goodbye. It made very little sense. We didn't have a permanent Program Director at that point and the station was in the midst of a sales transaction and hadn't changed hands yet. The PD who'd set everything in motion was gone. Why had he even bothered? My heart was broken. I'm a different person now because of that day, more cynical, less trusting, and less inclined to hope for a stellar career.

I worked temp jobs and part-time radio jobs for a few months until I got a low-paying job at another company's unloved stepchild radio station. I stuck that out for nearly a year and got out! Woo hoo, good for me! I was completely out of the business for about 5 months, then took another part-time job voicetracking. That means recording your show ahead of time so it sounds like you're live. If you listen to music radio, the DJs rarely work weekends anymore, they mostly voicetrack. I did that for a year, and finally, oh joy, a fulltime position opened up. It was not, however, the stuff of my dreams. It was doing middays, basically just reading liners, not much personality required (or desired) at the station that'd canned me 3 years prior. I took it anyway. After all, it had changed hands again, so none of the principals responsible for the canning were still there. I was not really happy, but not miserably unhappy either. It was a nice, relatively easy job, but I wanted to do more, so I told my boss. And I got more to do. I helped schedule music, produced station promos and imaging, and helped administer a contest that made my skin crawl. I was Miss Helpful, but I still wanted more.

Another position, a morning show co-host at our sister station down the hall, came open because someone was moving to California. I still wasn't over the morning show bug, because despite not being a morning person and reallly not liking getting up by 4AM, I did like the interaction with another person, and actually being able to say something, however inane it may be, beyond just reading the liner cards we read most of the day. Radio used to be a different animal before the 80s when (stop, don't say it, don't get political, argh, sorry here it comes) THE motherloving REPUBLICANS deregulated broadcasting, opening the door for the Clear Ch*nnels and other corporate giants of the world to ruin what used to be a fun business. Sorry, rant over. Middays are boring, mornings not as much and I thought I should take a run at it. I got to substitute on the other station's morning show for a few days, but was pretty sure I was not clicking with the other guy, and that I wouldn't get the position. That was OK, I decided, because I had made it plain that I would not be the disgruntled employee and would remain happy where I was. That apparently didn't matter, because a few weeks later, I was out on my ear. I think I've gone into my theories about that before, and they don't matter right now. What matters is that I was out for no good reason. Replaced by another woman who is good, but not better than I am. My very nice mother recently hypothesized that my replacement was sleeping with someone. I doubt that, but again, not the point.

The point is, I got out. For 3 1/2 years this time, until I started voicetracking for 2 of my previous company's stations last month. Last week, my former supervisor and first morning show partner, who's been at the station a long time called and asked if I wanted to do news this week. On the station from which I've been fired twice. Twice. I nearly said no, but then said to myself, what the hell? So, I've been getting up at 4 all week to do someone else's show. I feel like someone who is addicted to abusive relationships. Of course, once again, everyone in management is different again except my supervisor, and he never had any say-so in my getting fired, it was always the PDs or GMs. And the said thing is, a little voice in my head is saying maybe they'll have a full-time job for you soon. Sadder still, I'd probably take it. I'd be a bit ashamed of myself, partly because it seems the easy thing to do. I wanted to challenge myself and branch out. On the other hand, I'm good at it. I've never gotten the appreciation I want but I am good. Not fabulous, but good, and a darned good worker. The security would be nice. We need insurance. I need a job. There's a day care center next door, which is also near where my last job was. I walk past it like I'm window shopping. Yesterday, I saw the back of a little girl's ponytailed head and I suddenly had a vision of dressing my own little girl, and putting a backpack on her for some kind of a day trip. As much as I've wanted children, I've never had that kind of feeling before. It was wonderful. So, I suppose a radio job might not be so bad. Thank you sir, may I have another?

2004-08-03T22:33:00.000-04:00

I normally stay away from political debates. I will freely admit that I depend entirely too much on my instincts instead of being an intellectually informed voter. I do vote, and maybe that's not even a good thing with my half-informed brain. However, when I was listening to John Kerry's (impressive, I thought) speech last week, I couldn't help but think how refreshing it would be to have a President who can pronounce "nuclear proliferation" correctly without flinching and/or spraining his tongue.

2004-08-03T21:51:00.000-04:00

This must be it!

I think I have found the answer to our money problems. I received a very important email with a very tightly held secret. Shhh, please don't share this with anyone. Part of the text is as follows...

Make crazy money by Spam like we do now, and nobody can do to you nothing.Everything about the Spam law are just stories.We are active in this for over 3 years and as you see we are up even we are located in USA.

I'm on my way...

2004-07-31T13:29:00.000-04:00

They were wrong!

Dad does not have cancer!! After his surgery on Tuesday, the surgeon told us he thought it might not be cancer but a polyp with atypia. Yesterday, the tests came back clean. I've been reading about cancer, polyps, etc., and that kind of polyp could become cancerous, so it's good it's out. The surgery took longer than we had expected, but the surgeon said Dad's colon is somewhat short, and while they were there, they took out adhesions from an appendectomy performed when he was 6 years old, and his gall bladder surgery about 7 years ago. He'll be in the hospital a few more days, but no chemotherapy or real cancer worries! It's hard to believe that the doctor said it was definitely cancer. One of mom's friends really does not like the doctor, and that adds to her ammunition. He took out Mom's, Dad's and my gall bladders, though, and we all did pretty well. Dad had more problems than I did, but he was about 35 years older than I when I had mine out. He may have had more infection in the first place. We'd rather have had them tell us it was cancer and then find out it wasn't than the other way around, anyway. Although if Dad had had a bad heart, it might have been bad.

Ironically, I've worked every day this week. I was actually on the air live Monday, Tuesday and Friday, and worked one of my freelance jobs Wednesday and Thursday. Most of the time I'm hanging around the house, and when my father's in the hospital, I'm busy. That's life, I guess. At least I didn't have time to twiddle my thumbs and drive myself crazy worrying.

Other good news--my sister and her husband are trying to work things out. I hope they can. I don't know that I could if I were in her shoes. My mom thinks my sister has changed some throughout all this, not suprising, I suppose.

2004-07-26T19:13:00.000-04:00

Does It Ever End?

Today my dad went in for a routine colonoscopy. They found cancer. He has had yearly physicals for years, and has a pretty clean bill of health. He's taken medication for high blood pressure for years and it's been under control. He decided to have the colonoscopy because a few months ago one of his best friends had one and they found cancer. Luckily, it was found early and he's had a very good recovery so far. Dad hadn't really had any symptoms (weight loss, pain) and they think maybe that's a good sign. Oh God, I hope so. I hope so much that he does as well as his friend has done. Dad is such a wonderful person, such a good example for anyone to follow. Please pray for him.

2004-07-23T23:31:00.000-04:00

I normally am not annoyed when people around me are getting pregnant. It makes sense, we're in our 30s, most people have kids, it's something in the water...whatever. It's always more the "me too, please", instead of "this just sucks". One of the women I sing with is pregnant. It sucks. 2 of the other 3 have both been pregnant twice since I've known them and the other is about 10 years older than I am and has 2 grown daughters. It's not that I don't think she deserves to be pregnant. I do. She and her husband, odd as he may be, will be great, loving parents. They're in their late 20s and seem to have a good marriage. He's still got about a year of school left. It's just that I remember her saying about a year ago that he wanted to start a family, and she was trying to convince him they weren't ready, moneywise, careerwise, etc. Their baby is due in January. So I'm guessing, they probably said, OK, let's do it, and bam---it happened. I don't know why this one is getting to me. It's probably that we've hit that 5 year mark. It was 5 years ago this month that G had his vasectomy reversal. We've done what we can do, financially, and it didn't happen. And odds are, it won't. And I get to watch another person grow week by week. I'm sure she'll be bringing the sonogram pictures to rehearsals. One of the other women, who's had her perfect little girl and boy brought out the bin of maternity clothes to pass along a few weeks ago. To her credit, she knows what we've been through and wrote me a lovely note after our 2nd failed IVF last year. She had some struggles with infertility herself and had a miscarriage prior to the births of each of her kids. She didn't make a big deal out bringing out the clothes, but still, it might've been nice if she'd just invited the other girl over to pick them up. It sucks.

2004-07-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

Oh, wow, nice changes from Blogger, formatting-wise. I'm feeling a bit better that I'm lazy and have never moved my blog.

More job-hunting adventures! Last week one of my weekly job emails (I receive several) included a job that sounded like it would be great for me. On Tuesday night, while I was composing my cover letter, a storm was heading our way, and before I could finish, bam, no electricity. And it didn't come back until the next day. I hope it's not some kind of sign. I'm not complaining, we hardly ever lose our power for more than a half hour or so and some people in town didn't get theirs restored until yesterday! I got back to my cover letter Wednesday evening, and tried to follow directions about applying, but I was supposed to access it through another web site, and it wasn't there. Alternatively, I could mail or fax it to the state Dept. for Employment Services, so I faxed it. Friday afternoon, I got a letter from DES saying that the proper way to apply was to go through the web site where the job doesn't exist. I did find out what company has supposedly listed the phantom job, however. I went to their web site, and it doesn't exist there, either. It is a company I'd like to work for, however, because I'd feel like I was actually serving people somehow. The company is involved with a victim notification service, which lets victims of crimes know when the perpetrators are being released from custody. It was started as a result of a young woman being murdered by her rapist/ex-boyfriend whom she didn't know had been released. I'm still not sure the job I'm interested in exists, but I wrote the company. We'll see.

I'm now going to see if I can post a random photo, as there is a button for that.

OK, it took awhile and I still had to post the pic to the web, but here's a rare photo of my cats together without Marble, the calico, screaming at Minnie, the black & white kitty.

2004-07-08T15:42:00.000-04:00

What level of hell is sitting in the unemployment office for 2 and a half hours? Instead of a check yesterday, I got a green sheet, which did not bode well. Even though I've been collecting for over 6 months, I've only received about half of my benefit money because of my freelance/PT work. I'd gone to donate blood yesterday, because of a promised Kings Island ticket. Lo and behold, they were out of the tickets by the time I arrived, but I gave anyway. I would donate more often, but my veins are small and hard to find, making the whole process pretty difficult sometimes. It went OK yesterday, and I'm supposed to get a ticket for Frightfest at Kings Island in October, so that was all right, but the green sheet in the mail was not. I fretted and worried all night. At the unemp. office this morning I was assigned number 723. They were on 714. Many, many people came and went while I waited. Admittedly, I'm often one of the people who gets to come in and leave quickly. Not today. Hoo boy. And I didn't bring a book. I jotted notes to myself of things to do in the next couple of days. I looked at a TV screen silently playing "The Shadow" starring Alec Baldwin. Mostly I thought, "why me? Why can't I get a job? What are we going to do if they've cut me off? I can't make the car payment. Do I wait tables? Work retail? What? I apply for job after job. I'm either overqualified or underqualified. Or maybe they've hired their sister-in-law." And on and on like that, for 2 hours. I looked at beautiful babies and toddlers. A gorgeous little girl of 3 or 4 with dark chocolate eyes and 2-foot-long eyelashes. A darling baby with wispy blonde hair and whose mother I wanted to shake a little bit for having pierced the baby's ears. I thought some more "why me"'s. "If I had a job and we had a little money we could start on the adoption process. Or if I had a job with good insurance coverage, I could torture myself through another IVF. Why me?" I finally got called back. The counselor said I had a disqualifying answer, but when she printed out my last claim call, she couldn't find anything wrong. Neither could another person she showed it to. They OK'd my payment and I should get it Saturday or Monday. It helps. It's not enough. Why me?

2004-07-04T21:49:00.000-04:00

Kewl!!!

I just heard myself at my new radio job and they have a listen live option! It's only on weekend nights but if you're interested, email me(link on the right)and I'll point you to the station where I'm working.

2004-07-03T22:18:00.000-04:00

I need some help! Someone reading this must be a Sopranos fan! And someone must have taped all the episodes from Season 5! I'm not trying to rip off HBO or anything, but I have no job and I can't afford it. My dad, who has HBO On Demand, taped episodes 1-9 for me. Unfortunately, one of the cheap tapes I bought was crappy, so episode 7 was severely messed up. We have episodes 8 & 9. Unfortunately, by the time I got another tape to Dad so he could re-tape episode 7 and episodes 10-13, HBO had run them for the last time (I discovered via the internet that June 20 was the last day they ran them). It might be months before they're on DVD, and I'm sure I'll have had everything ruined for me by then. I already know one spoiler, although it was something I knew had to happen. Anyway, here's what I need: Season 5, episode 7 (I guess this would be #59?) and episodes 10-13 (62-65). If you happen to have taped them, I would so appreciate your loaning them to me. I will pay postage and baby your tapes appropriately. Let me know, please!

My new favorite movie (for the last few months) is Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It's not a family pic (not for most families, anyway) and not for the easily offended or faint of heart, but it just fascinates me. I love the music, especially "Wicked Little Town". If you like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, check it out. It's not a horror movie, but the Eastern European transsexual thing is a definite connection. I got Garland to watch it with me tonight, as he is a "Rocky Horror" fan. I think he enjoyed "Hedwig", too.

2004-07-02T15:12:00.000-04:00

Laughing, laughing, laughing at Infertile Myrtle comics!! Helps stop the crying coming from collection agency notice from RE's office. I guess I'll bite the bullet and write checks from home equity line and credit card to cover that and bill from evil hospital. Sigh.

2004-07-01T15:54:00.000-04:00

Last night I dreamed of chocolate. And yes, I did start my period today, why do you ask?

I may be completely insane. I'm starting another part-time position, with the company where I had my last radio job. Am I backtracking? I don't know. The managers who were the ones responsible for sacking me are all gone. It'll probably actually be fun. No pressure, just voice tracking classic rock on the weekends. And classic rock will be much more fun than the "soft rock favorites" we played at my last station. No Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion or Whitney Houston, thank you very much! It's not lots of money, but it takes a little more pressure off me getting a new job that pays lots more than my last one. Although I do still want that.

2004-06-26T16:41:00.000-04:00

Other stuff...

I realized the other day that I've had this blog for about a year, and I didn't think that'd happen unless I got lucky with my last IVF, which, of course, didn't happen. I haven't been writing regularly the last several months, but I am glad that my blog and all the others are there. The first IVF blog I started reading was BabyBaby's, and for some reason or another, my computer has refused to let me access her place for months. I can go there now, and in skimming through her archives, was so excited to see photos of her beautiful little boy. Am also loving new-to-me blogs by Tertia and Lobster Girl.

I hesitate to think about this or write it, but a month or so ago, one of my mom's friends had a dream that one of my mom's girls was pregnant with a boy. My sister had already decided that she was finished with the TTC thing, so that leaves me. My mom's friend fancies herself a bit psychic and at my grandmother's funeral, she pulled me aside and whispered, while pointing at me, "good things are going to happen to you." Thanks for stoking the old Hope Addict, M. By the way, when's this going to happen?

2004-06-26T16:05:00.000-04:00

I am not Job, even though sometimes I think I am. My father may be, though. In the last few weeks he's had to deal with his mother in her last days, one infertile, seemingly unemployable daughter, and another who is now separated. My poor sister had a great birthday. The night before her big day, her husband either left or she asked him to leave. I don't know the whole story, just that it sucks. The seemingly perfect family. I wasn't jealous of her, but sometimes had a "why can't I have a little of that, too?" attitude. They have the 2 beautiful kids, the lovely house, the nice vehicles, plenty of money, you get my drift. It just makes me remember how precarious everything is, and that nothing's perfect. Not that I thought it would ever be, for any of us, but every day something else happens that drives it closer to home. My poor dad is a worrywart, too. He gets it from my grandmother. I think it gets a little less intense with each generation. Besides, it apparently didn't take that big a toll on my grandmother, since she lived to 94. I did tell my parents that I thought they could use a vacation, though.

2004-06-25T12:07:00.000-04:00

The Story of the Amazing, Shrinking, Disappearing Interviews

A couple of weeks ago, I had a job interview. It was basically the same kind of job I had at my last company, Admin. Asst. at a small ad agency. The lady who was to interview me stressed that it was an entry level position, and I said I realized that. The company I worked for did mostly PR, and I still don't feel I've gotten a lot of actual ad agency experience, although I've written lots of ad copy, mostly for radio. The interview took place at a Starbucks and I really liked the woman, who's one of the partners. She said they wanted someone who was ambitious and didn't want to stay in the position, but she gave me an idea of what they'd be paying and it wasn't much more than I was making before. She did say there could be a substantial bonus involved. Now, I'm not sure what substantial means. To someone, it might be $500, to some executives, it's $10 million. I'm thinking a couple thousand, which would with the salary would still have been less than I want to make, but I figured I'd get in there and dazzle them and get promoted. They decided I was overqualified. I'm sick of that word. (Duration of first call to interview 4 days, turndown letter came 8 days later)

3 days after that interview, the employment agency called and asked if I'd be interested in...an administrative assistant position at an ad agency. Another one. A bigger one. Yippee. I've applied with this company before and heard very little feedback. 3 years ago, they actually called me and asked me to fill out a personality assessment. Geez, I hate those things. The employment agency faxed me another one, which I immediately filled out and faxed back. I got a call a few hours later after the ad and employment agencies had conferred. The ad agency said they knew me and if they had anything creative that would fit me they'd love to hire me, but...they want someone who only wants to be an admin. asst. They figured I'd find something else and move on. It's been 6 months and I haven't found anything at all, so I have my doubts about the "something else". In all honesty, it's been 3 1/2 years and I haven't found "something else." I wasn't thrilled about taking my last position but thought it was my foot in the door. Apparently it was just a toe. (Length of process from call from employment agency to no from agency <1 day.)

So yesterday, I got a call a little before 9 AM. It was from the airport, which is where I had high hopes about a PR position a couple of months ago, but never got an interview. They wanted to know if I wanted to interview for another position in the same department, a position as (say it with me now) Administrative Assistant. I said yes, I'd like an interview. While the airport office is temporarily located downtown, a round trip drive to the airport from my house is not much more than a mile. Besides, I like airports. Early yesterday afternoon, I left to do my freelance job and run a couple of errands. By the time I got home, there was a message saying that my interview was canceled, and they had decided not to fill the position due to restructuring. ?????? Why did they call me in the first place? Are they insane? Is there no communication between departments? Did my little bad luck demon accidentally let my interview slip through the cracks and then realize his mistake? Geez Louise. (Time elapsed between interview call and cancellation: approx. 5 hours 11 minutes)

I told Garland that the next time I get a call they're going to say,"We'd like you to come in for an interview (pause), wait, no we don't," He said the next call will come from someone who'll say "We heard you were going to apply for a job with our company. Please don't." At least I can't complain about the process dragging out.

2004-06-23T17:01:00.001-04:00

I know, I didn't finish my story. I may sometime, but it wasn't all THAT interesting, anyway. Life has crept in and interrupted me.

My grandmother passed away on Friday. I got to be there with her, which was nice, as I was her pet and we had a close relationship. I've heard that death is beautiful and I've been afraid that it was horrible, and it turned out, it wasn't really either one. It just was. Her breathing got slower and slower and finally stopped. She was 94 and had been in a nursing home for 18 years. She had osteoporosis before we even knew what it was called and had started breaking bones probably around the time I was born. Her mind was fine, though, and she amazed people who visited her with all of the things she remembered and all she knew about things going around town, especially since she wasn't physically taking part in most of them. I was probably more like her personality-wise than I am anyone else in my family. I spent the night with her a lot when I was young and remember her letting me drink coffee, which of course, was mostly milk and sugar. I also got to watch soap operas, The Carol Burnett Show, and The Tonight Show, none of which my parents would let me watch at home. She taught me prayers and bible verses, and lots of nursery rhymes. We played lots of card games, like casino, Crazy 8s and Authors. I probably know a lot of the answers that helped me get on Jeopardy because of her. In fact, she would have been great on Jeopardy or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, or anything like that when she was younger. She's been ready to go for a good while, and I'm so glad she's not suffering now, but I will really miss her.

2004-06-07T19:00:00.000-04:00

Imagine if you will William Conrad narrating this story. I know that he was the radio narrator and voice of the Lone Ranger. Why I know that, I'm not sure. It's this danged head full of trivia without an outlet right now. In case you don't know who William Conrad is, he played "Cannon" on TV. I know many of you chilluns are really puzzled now. He was a fat detective on a 70s mystery show. OK, maybe you'll recognize his voice as the narrator of one of my favorite cartoons, "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle". Yes, it was before my time too, but I know them from the reruns. He also used to host the Thanksgiving parades on CBS when I was a kid. Hey, why the heck did I get started on this guy??? Oh yeah...

Our heroine Tracy decided to call her friends at the employment agency and tell them she was ready to take some long-term temporary or temp-to-perm job if the money and conditions were right.

Tracy (voice of June Foray who was the voice of Rocky the Squirrel, Natasha, and most any other woman on the Bullwinkle show): "Wahhh, I have no money. Get me a job! But not just any job for me. No, no, the perfect job!"

A few days later Tracy got a call.

Semi-helpful Agency Lady: "I have a data entry job that pays $2 less per hour than you specified, but your name was at the top of the list. It might be a week or only 2-4 days."

Tracy thought to herself: "This is not what I asked for at all, but..." She said aloud "Well, OK. It would get me out of the house for a few days."

SAL: "That's great. The people are very nice. The dress is business casual. It's not a fancy office, but..."

Tracy: "It's not in a warehouse"

SAL: "Exactly"

A few days later, Tracy arrived at the office of a truck/machinery part distributor. It seemed pretty much like a warehouse. It was not exactly the kind of place where she'd make valuable future contacts, but it seemed to be fine for a few days.

Tomorrow's episode: It's not really fine!

2004-06-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

Let's try this with the new Blogger comments!!

2004-06-01T15:15:00.000-04:00

I did hand out and pick up a few cards at that lunch, but I don't know that anything will come from them. I was invited to a business networking group's weekly lunch meeting, and wanted to go today, but the woman didn't get back with me in time, and when she did, she mentioned the lunch tomorrow. I'm positive she said it was on Tuesdays, so one of us must be loony. Can't go tomorrow--it's the biweekly broadcast where I freelance.

I've had a weird gynecological symptom lately. Turn your head, look away, leave now if you don't want to know.

OK, still there? Freak. No, sorry, kidding, I'd like advice. Of course, at first I thought, could it mean I'm pregnant? And of course, this morning I woke up with cramps. But the weird sensation is still there. It doesn't hurt or feel good. It's just an odd warm sensation on the right side of my l*bia (I don't want someone happening upon this from bizarre-a*s search). I don't know if it's blood rushing to it or not; it seems wet, just internally. Can't afford a trip to my GYN right now as I have no insurance, but just wondered if any had heard of anything like this. Thanks if you have any ideas!

Tomorrow (maybe): temping adventures with Tracy!

2004-05-20T14:58:00.000-04:00

Well, today is the first day I've dropped in since Blogger made changes--let's see how they do. I haven't been blogging or reading many blogs; job search, hubby birthday, trip to Georgia, etc. have been occupying me. Just know that I think of all you folks I've visited, even if I'm not actively visiting or posting. I want pregnancies, adoptions, healthy families, etc. all around for everyone! I'm just trying to reorganize my thoughts and attack on everything. Hopefully things will improve in all areas soon. I'm not giving up. Some days are better than others, but it's all got to shake out soon.

I'm going to a free breakfast given by our local business newspaper tomorrow. It should be a good networking opportunity. I just wish I were good at networking. I'm somewhat backward when it comes to promoting myself which is, of course, one of the reasons I don't have a job right now. If I were more aggressive and/or friendly I'd probably have some kind of sales position. I don't know what my problem is. People think that my having been a radio personality means I don't have any problems with the public, but it's not true. I can talk to people, I just feel so uncomfortable in certain situations. And yes, I know, most everyone does. I've got to overcome it if I'm going to improve my lot soon. I'm setting a small goal for myself for tomorrow. I'm going to try to hand out 5 of the introductory (mini-resume) cards I just printed. I'm taking more, but if I tell myself to hand out 5, I may have more success. Wish me luck!

2004-05-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

I feel like putting all my books and articles on adoption, infertility, fertility, etc. all away and stopping. And yet... I don't think I can. I keep thinking, but if we win the lottery, but if I get a job with benefits that cover fertility treatments/adoption/shock therapy/drugs,drugs,drugs, then it'll all be OK. I don't know. One day I feel like G and I are such losers, and the next I feel like we're on the cusp of something fabulous. There's not much in-between. It's not bipolar disorder, just confusion I suppose.

2004-04-24T15:49:00.000-04:00

OK, what song is running through your head right now? Mine is "Black Coffee in Bed", by Squeeze. I'm thankful that it's something I like (really like). Often it's something I hate, but mostly it's just something inane, like the Oscar Mayer wi*ener song. Many times it's "Java", by Al Hirt. I have no idea why. Where do these things come from?

Got up earlier than normal to view one of the fun things about Derby Festival--the Great Balloon race. I could see several of the balloons from the end of my driveway. In 1996, the first year I lived in this house, they went right over my roof--pretty cool! I've been feeling more positive today--maybe it's the lack of sleep. I've pretty much decided that if I haven't gotten a job within the next 3 weeks or so, I'm going to the agency that helped me get the last job and tell them to submit me for administrative positions, as long as the price is right. I'll probably never find the perfect job anyhow, and can find other creative outlets. It's time to dig out of the hole.

2004-04-22T23:10:00.000-04:00

Bizarro stuff showing up in the ad banner at the top of my blog--pretty funny (look up)!

2004-04-22T23:08:00.000-04:00

Here's my question of the day: does anyone really sing anymore? I mean without the histrionics, vocal gymnastics, grunting (a la Britney), wheezing, screaming, orgasmic moaning, etc.? Does anyone just sing?

2004-04-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

Still hanging in there. I'm spending most of my time feeling sorry for myself, instead of being constructive and volunteering, being useful, etc. I wish I could divert my energy into being funny and ironic, like getupgrrl, leery polyp, etc., but I don't seem to be able to do that at this point (OK, I could NEVER be that funny, but a chick can dream...). It's just hard to know where to turn next. I was going to take a Publisher class this week, but one of the centers that offers it had bad info on its website, and that doesn't really inspire confidence. That center and a couple of others have classes the first week of May. No one around here wants to start anything the last week of April. Because, that's the week before Derby, and my word, if that isn't sacred here. (Louisville, in case you haven't figured that out). This community revolves around the Kentucky Derby. Derby, Derby, Derby!!!! And I live less than 2 miles from Churchill Downs. That was where I was hoping to get a job a couple of months ago. But noooooo. I never even went to the Derby until I worked in radio, and I went twice, only because of work. I do enjoy going to the races now and then, but I don't like crowds or parking, or driving in lots of traffic. If anyone offered me a free ticket and a chauffeured ride, I probably wouldn't say no, but it's more fun to go to a party, and I'm planning to be at one that day. Maybe I'll get a job after it's over. Never say never.

2004-04-14T11:37:00.000-04:00

It boggles the mind. Hate groups. How do these people have the energy? What is there to gain in hating other people? And why? There is no justification. Here is some info from Dawn:

A hate group has googlebombed the word "Jew" to link to their site. Basically that means a bunch of their hate-cronies have linked to their horrible nasty site (it lists the Anti-Defamation League, B'nai B'rith, Simon Wiesenthal Center and the ACLU as "Jewish hate groups") and so Google is listing it at the top of their searches when you type in the word "Jew." So Melanie and others and I ask you to link the word "Jew" to the Wikipedia definition. All you have to do is this: Jew. If enough of us do this, we can knock them off the top spot on Google.

And people still argue that anti-semitism no longer exists.

I just don't get it. And it's so awful, horrendous, that many of these people call themselves Christians. As if Jesus would approve of hatred.

2004-04-14T11:26:00.000-04:00

I've been told that I was probably better off not getting the TV job, as the supervisor is a difficult person. The person telling me this was pretty diplomatic, so I assume the guy is a real a*s. I guess I should be relieved.

New job for Hope Addict to feed on--I'm getting in touch with everyone I know who could pull some strings. I have received a screening call to check on my salary desires, so I may at least get an interview. I know from the organization's website what the position offers, and I gave an overlapping range, which is the range I usually give anyway. The main problem I see off-hand is that one of the requirements is desktop publishing experience, and I don't have a lot of that. I'm going to try to take a class in the next week, probably in Publisher, as I have that on my computer. Pagemaker would probably be helpful, but I can't afford that, so I wouldn't get much practice. Any suggestions along this line are very welcome!

2004-04-12T12:20:00.000-04:00

This might make your Monday a little better.

2004-04-08T21:35:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired of this. Didn't get TV station job. Didn't get called back about Admin. Asst. position. Will not have interview with health care company. Got a 77 on state position test (not having been a Business major, this one didn't bother me that much). Finishing another period. Unfortunately, Hope Addict had gotten me excited a couple of weeks ago. I thought I saw streaking in my cerival mucous. Guess not.

2004-03-27T18:04:00.000-05:00

Sundry items:

Sent partial payment and nasty (well, not terribly nasty) note replying to nasty note and invoice from hospital where my laparotomy was performed. I wasn't informed about the expense beforehand and it was much heftier than I'd expected. Even the 20% I was required to pay by my insurance is a lot. I wrote the hospital a couple of weeks ago offering a partial payment. They didn't seem to be interested. I did the same thing with my RE, who is trying to charge extra for my IVF (along with HIS bill for the lap). There are wayyyy too many extra charges over and above the standard fee. Stay tuned...

I spoke yesterday with the employment agency that helped me get my last job. I hadn't spoken with them in 3 months, since I went in a few days after my employer folded. In fact, I'd thought about them a couple of days before their call and the thoughts weren't good ones. My contact, Pat, said "For a paycheck, how mundane a job would you be willing to take?" I said, "Depends on the paycheck." The job is yet another Admin. Asst. position with an ad agency, but one of the big ones in town this time. Apparently the person in the position now is none too bright or capable. One of the requirements for the new person is that they "must be smart." I took my last position hoping it would work into something else, and it appeared that was going to happen until the company started falling apart last summer. This position is offering the minimum amount I said I was willing to take, moneywise, and it would be more than I've ever made before, combined with my freelance work. I have doubts about my job satisfaction, though. I used to think it was better to have a job below my abilities, but in the field where I wanted to work, but now I'm not so sure. I'm afraid that they'll always think of me as "just a secretary". I don't think there's a thing wrong with being a secretary. And yes, I know the the admin. assistant is often the most important person in the office. It's just not how I see myself. Do I just give up on ever having a career that makes me feel appreciated for what I can truly do? And if I hold out, what if nothing better comes along? We'll just have to keeping putting off adopting until we're so old that no one will approve or choose us. I know I don't have to put all my eggs in one basket. I haven't even been offered this job yet and there's no assurance that I would be. I also know I could leave if it doesn't work out, but I would like some stability. I just don't want little Hope Addict to say, "Take it! You'd be in an advertising agency, like you thought you wanted! They'll offer you something better! Take it!" I haven't even had an interview yet, why am I so concerned?

My merit test for state employment was a bit more difficult than I expected yesterday. It was very job-specific, which is a good thing, of course. Many of the questions were easy common sense items, I thought. I'm sure I did well on the grammar, reading comprehension, public relations, and the section on putting paragraphs together. I'm not as sure about the business and state geography questions. It's pretty rare that I don't have a very good idea about how I've done on an exam.

2004-03-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

I popped in a few days ago on one of the support boards I participated in when I was going through IVF #2. I went to the pregnant after IVF section because I was concerned about a couple of the women who'd had problems with their pregnancies in the past. One of them had her baby a bit prematurely but got to take her home about a week ago. Another woman had an excrutiatingly slow-rising beta during her second IVF (which was the same time as mine), and finally had a miscarriage. I found out that she tried again and is now pregnant. I'm so happy for her. And, of course, it made me want to try it again. Understand, this is completely out of the question financially. But my 4th head (I also have the little angel and devil heads. One of my friends thinks it funny that the angel has a British accent.) is saying, "it would work this time, I'm sure of it. Probably twins!! Maybe triplets!!!" I wish that head would get a good job and pay for that next go-round.

2004-03-24T17:23:00.000-05:00

I just ordered Carrie's book--yay! And I live near an Amazon distribution center so it'll probably be here by Friday--yay!

2004-03-21T23:36:00.000-05:00

Check out Julie for a story about Cialis and canned ham!!??!!!

Is it just me or does anyone else start humming Jefferson Airplane when they see the Cialis commercials? Go see Alice, to make it 10 feet tall.

2004-03-20T21:52:00.000-05:00

I haven't checked in for awhile, but there's not much new. Still no job. I'm registered for some jobs through the state department of personnel, and on Friday will take a test to be qualified for another job. It would be sweet irony--it's with the state cabinet that was my former firm's biggest client. I'm not holding my breath because I have the wrong party affiliation for my state's current administration.

I'm reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption. I think we need to go on and start this process, even without my having a job. It's going to take awhile, and I am going to find employment, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. My parents are more than willing to help us out financially. I'm just so independent that I hate the idea of borrowing money from them, but as I recall, they borrowed money from my grandparents when they were about the same age G and I are now. And this is certainly a fabulous reason to accept money. It's nice to know that our families will be so behind us on this.

2004-03-12T15:18:00.000-05:00

2004-03-09T14:20:00.000-05:00

Wicked, wicked little minions in green!! Preying upon innocent females in the throes of menses!! Foisting their delectable temptations upon hormone-addled women. Alas, I succumbed.

(Dang, these Thin Mints are good. And so is this new discovery, Double Dutch, a chocolate chocolate chip cookie.)

2004-03-09T13:59:00.000-05:00

my spacebuttonis stiicking. I thinkkit'sG'sfault.He's back intohisbeekeepingandmultiplesurfacesin ourhouse are covered with honey. He mademead theotherday. I hope it's good. He also has 2 batches of homebrewedbeergoing.Wedon't knowifthey're OK yet ornot.

2004-03-08T12:16:00.000-05:00

Just when I think I've gotten out, it keeps pulling me back in... I'm reading even more blogs now, but not on quite as regular a basis. It's nice to feel connected, particularly without a job to go to.

I'm experimenting with a new blog, but will probably not be able to maintain it, as it costs $$, something I'm pretty much devoid of right now. Here it is, if you're curious.

2004-03-06T13:25:00.000-05:00

My 4-year-old niece invited us to her dance recital yesterday. It's on Mother's Day. I said we'd go--I don't think it will be a problem. I don't usually have real issues being around little kids or babies. When I hear about people getting pregnant, I have more of an "it figures" attitude than "why isn't it me?", although there's a hint of that in the mix. I did decide a couple of years ago that I won't go to church on Mother's Day anymore. It's a little thing, but it bugs me more than anything else. They give little plants out to all the women. I have people trying to force plants on me that I don't want. It's not Women's Day, it's Mother's Day. I don't need a begonia ( or whatever it is) to remind me that I'm not a mother yet. I know it every day.

I always imagine making The Big Announcement around this time of year. You know the one, "next year we'll have someone for the Easter Bunny to visit". "Next year I'll get to have a Mother's Day. I guess it's because it's spring, and all the baby animals are out. I'm ready for my announcement. Just tired of waiting.

2004-03-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

Monday was a bad day. For some reason, my PMS symptoms now seem to hit me nearly a week before AF shows her ugly face. They used to hold off until a couple of days before the flood. And I don't know why, but the few times I get the urge to clean seem to coincide with PMS. And that means I'm usually a weeping mess before I've really accomplished anything. Noisy sobs, face down on the bed, railing at God, all of that. Why can't I get a job, why can't I have a family, why don't I have a decent house to live in, why is my small house jam-packed with G's many hobbies, why am I such a failure? It was like that. At least I recognize that it was mostly PMS. I did get some cleaning done, and today, I'm painting the bathroom. It will get better.

On the plus side, after all my crying, I had an inspiration for second cheesy song for cheesy movie, and then ordered pizza.

I think I need to get into some kind of club--a women's club, cards, something. I have church groups, but unfortunately, church is adding stress lately. I'm on the committee that deals with staff issues, hiring, firing, etc., and things have gotten a bit sour. There are staff issues and it's sometimes difficult to keep both a Christian and a business perspective.

2004-03-02T18:42:00.000-05:00

Pray

If you pray (and I do, but not enough), please pray for:

Michele

She is having heart valve replacement surgery tomorrow.

Getupgrrl

who has had another blow. Yet more proof that life is not fair.

Maria

who in the last week has received, lost and received again, a wonderful gift.

2004-02-25T22:19:00.000-05:00

Big decisions to make. Do we switch from Dish Network to DirecTV? Or do we go back to nightmare Insight Communications and get the whole shebang--Digital television, broadband internet (I'm salivating at the thought) and local telephone service? It's really rotten being unemployed when the new season of The Sopranos is on the way, and we must have HBO!! Or do we keep our Dish, add HBO, and get a bundled phone/Internet package. Such dilemmas. Being a DINK couple is so freakin' great. Or rather, a PUNK (Partially self-employed Unemployed No Kids). MMM--yeah.

2004-02-24T11:29:00.000-05:00

Still no job. I finally got antsy enough last Thursday (and had enough people asking me about it) that I got over my timidity about making phone calls and called the guy who interviewed me. I told him I was just checking in. I really assumed that he'd gone with someone else, but he said he was still speaking with people, so I guess I'm still in the mix. I really hate waiting.

I suppose I was feeling very masochistic after my birthday and tuned into "Birth Day Live", that marathon birth session on Discovery. Good grief, what is wrong with me? Well, I was a little intoxicated. It was funny, they were keeping a running tally of the numbers of girls and boys at each hospital. Was there a line on this in Vegas? Earlier in the day, the regular "Birth Day" episode was entitled "Older Mother Miracle Births". The mothers I saw were 40 and 41. I'm going to be an older mother. That's OK. Back to the marathon, I was pretty fascinated by one mom whose legs were spread so wide a semi could've been driven between them. She reminded me of Gumby. I know she was on drugs. I couldn't help but think that if I could get those drugs before conception maybe I could get pregnant. The guy doing color commentary said she looked "very comfortable". I wonder. Maybe it was my semi-drunken state, but it seemed that the bed, along with the mom's vagina, was tilted up. Isn't that working against gravity? Were they concerned that the baby was going to hit the floor? Was there also a line on that in Vegas? (By the way, the baby looked huge, increasing my doubts about the mother's comfort)

2004-02-16T18:59:00.000-05:00

And just to keep the birthday celebration going (Julie's birthday was Saturday, my Mom's was last Wednesday, and a very good friend of mine celebrates his 39th a week from today), here's one of my birthday favorites from Weird Al Yankovic from his self-titled album from 1983...

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!

Well it's time to celebrate your birthday,
It happens every year.
We'll eat a lot of broccoli, and drink a lot of beer.
You should be good and happy that there's somethin' you can eat.
A million people every day are starvin' in the street.
Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor.
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four.
There's garbage in the water,
There's poison in the sky.
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die!

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!

Well, what's the matter, little friend, you think this party is the pits?
Enjoy it while you can.
We'll soon be blown to bits!
The monkeys in the Pentagon are gonna cook our goose.
Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse.
It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be Crispy Critters after World War III.
There's nowhere you can run to,
Nowhere you can hide.
When they drop the big one,
We all get fried.

Come on, boys and girls, sing along, okay?

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!

Well, there's a punk in the alley, and he's lookin' for a fight.
There's an Arab on the corner buyin' everything in sight.
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed.
Seems that everywhere you look today, there's misery and greed.
I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun,
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun.
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take,
Just blow out the candles,
And have a piece of cake.

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!

(wow!)

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you!

And a pinch to grow an inch!

2004-02-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

I'm glad I'm 39 during a Leap Year. I get one extra day of my 30s before the big 4-0 comes next year. I've been considering pulling a Jack Benny (an old-timey entertainer for all you young whippersnappers) and staying 39 the rest of my life, but that seems kind of sad. I'm not really afraid of 40. I was never one of those kids who thought people in their 40s were old. Plus, I keep telling myself, hey, Sheryl Crow's in her 40s and look at her! Then again, I don't really want to be Sheryl Crow.

2004-02-15T16:33:00.000-05:00

You say it's your birthday? Well, it's my birthday, too, yeah!

How did I get this old? I can't be this old. I am this old.

I would like you to dance!!

2004-02-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

I've done something relatively constructive recently. I've been playing around with my recording studio software and have recorded a track from my keyboard, and laid another midi track on top with a French Horn voicing. I've tried laying some vocals on, but if I leave the door to the bedroom open, my cat comes in and sings with me. I don't know if my voice offends her, if she likes it, or if she just can't resist singing along. Sometimes if I'm singing, she'll come get in my lap and meow right in my face. She seems very concerned, probably rightfully so. Maybe she thinks I'm in pain. At any rate, the song I'm working on is for the soundtrack for the movie I'm writing. Don't ask--it's too corny and cheesy for words, but I feel the need to work on it anyway. I may not have this time to myself again. One of the main problems I have with getting anything accomplished on it is G. I can't sing or write much when he's at home. And he's at home a lot. I realize that home is really his office (his truck is also his office), but it's very disconcerting to have him pop in every couple of hours. He comes home too early for my comfort, too. When we have the mansion, I suppose I'll have a writing and recording wing. Won't that be lovely?

2004-02-11T10:30:00.000-05:00

I hadn't visited Babybaby's blog for awhile, and now every time I try, the Internet police come after me and shut me down. Does anyone know what's up (has she moved)?

2004-02-11T10:16:00.000-05:00

I apologize if anyone's tried to email me from the link on the blog recently. I let my hotmail account lapse, and when I logged back in yesterday, all my old emails were gone. I've changed the link to an account I check more often.

2004-02-10T15:36:00.000-05:00

I felt my interview last Wednesday went well, and they had me come back in both Thursday and Friday mornings to feel me out and see if I thought I'd like it and if they thought they'd like me. I especially liked the Assistant Manager of the department, and found out that she's a Monkees fan too! I think she's several years younger than I, so that was pretty funny. Before I left on Friday, she told me she hoped I got the job, which I felt was a good sign, but then I thought, "maybe she says that to everyone, maybe she's just making conversation." I suppose she meant it, though. I really thought I would've heard back by now. I sent a thank you note yesterday. If I haven't heard anything by tomorrow, I'll call. I'm trying to steel myself for bad news. I think I'd really like it, and am sure I'd do it well. A job would really be a nice birthday present (it's Sunday).

The adoption fair was pretty interesting. We spoke with a few people. We stopped at a booth sponsored by an agency that specializes in domestic adoptions, and G was surprised at the short average wait they had last year. We still haven't had an in-depth discussion about it, and are really on hold until I get a job, anyway. It was good to get some more info, though. I'm going to make him read through some of the literature. I've already read much more than he has.

2004-01-30T15:25:00.000-05:00

Alisa's a mommy!! (I'm late in discovering this...)

2004-01-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

Banner Day!

I've got a job interview Wednesday!! It's in broadcasting, too, so maybe that BA won't be going unused the rest of my career. Must...not...get...hopes...up. Very difficult!

Had lunch with the ladies I used to work with--lots of fun, including a mojito! The former partner of the company was bitching about the one who shut the place down--heehee.

Tried on clothes for the interview. I bought a brown jacket and was trying to get slacks to match. There was every size but a 12. I tried on a 10, just for a laugh, and I got them on with no problems, even got them fastened. Well, they were a little snug-looking, and they were stretch pants, but I still felt pretty good about it. I wound up going to another location of the store and buying the 12, but I think size 10 is in my future again!

After all these happy things plus a nice fat-free latte, I was walking down the hall toward the parking lot. Then...I walked around the giant paddlewheel replica playground with lots of chubby-cheeked squealing kids. No, I didn't dissolve in a teary heap in the middle of the mall. I just sighed. A lot. Like I'm doing now.

2004-01-24T12:11:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. The world needs room for "Not-so-average Jane gets an Extreme Makeover then survives not getting to marry a millionaire, but goes on to murder Simon, gets paroled by a jury of her peers and then returns to a simple life" show. But why'd they have to cancel "Ed?" I really like that show. I want to live in Stuckeyville and have a pie shop. I want funny friends who speak in one-liners. I'm OK with "Friends" and "Frasier" going away because they've been on for so long, although I really like both of them. I know it's better to watch less TV, but it's been such a habit all my life.

Here's what I watch:

Sunday: "The Simpsons", "Malcolm in the Middle", "Arrested Development"--a very funny show if you haven't seen it.

Monday: nothing really. "Las Vegas" is kind of entertaining, but last week's episode reminded me of some corny 60s show: "Hey, Brooks & Dunn, since you're just hanging around in our restaurant, why don't you play for us?"

Tuesday: "Frasier" and "24". Because of my antenna/satellite setup, I generally tape "24" while watching "Frasier". Won't have to do that next year.

Wednesday: "That 70s Show"

Thursday: "Friends", "Scrubs" I watch "Will & Grace" some, but don't go out of my way to, and I don't tape it.

Friday: "Ed" (for the next 2 wks :( ), and "Monk"

Saturday: nothing--maybe a movie

We still sit in front of the tube most nights, but usually watch satellite stuff--sometimes "Queer Eye", Comedy Central (I really like "Insomniac"), and other various and sundry programs. Need to turn that thing off more!

Speaking of the TV habit, one of the things that started mine oh so many years ago was "Captain Kangaroo". I'm very sad Bob Keeshan is gone. I'm not immersed in kids' programming, but it doesn't seem there are many live adults on shows except for Sesame Street. I know there are some others, but very few. I realize that the Captain and Mr. Rogers were kind of corny, but they were nice, gentle role models and I'm sure many kids (myself not included) didn't have that at home. I'll miss him.

2004-01-23T01:31:00.000-05:00

My friend, the bossy one with 2 kids conceived without assistance (that I know of), now says we'll have an easier time getting a baby if we're also willing to take an older child. When are they going to materialize? Is she going to build an extra room for us? Is she going to chip in for extra clothes and education? Hmmmm??

2004-01-23T01:08:00.000-05:00

Ick. I had a sex dream last night. It involved me, G, and another man. He was a future boss, I think, but he was a combination of the GM at the place where I've been freelancing for 3 years and a non-existent person. It was all for me, there was no man-on-man action, but it was not really very enjoyable. WEIRD!!!

I'm feeling triumphant at having identified The Cure as the performers of the song in the HP ad ("Pictures of You"). G though it was Modern English. I've never been very hip in my musical tastes. If you want a hint, I own every Air Supply album. It's OK. I also have Duke Ellington, deBussy, Miles Davis, all kinds of stuff. My favorites are 60s and 70s pop, though, even though I was born in 1965. We played some college rock on our college radio station when I was in college, but it was only about 30 percent, the other 70 being Top 40 (for the most part). I still need help with the Mitsubishi ad. I think it's talking about "the most beautiful face". Is it John Lennon? It sounds like "Mind Games". Help me, please!

2004-01-18T15:18:00.000-05:00

Oh, yeah, wasn't pregnant, of course. AF came 1/10. So the dizzy spell must've been a tumor, or hypochondria. ;p

2004-01-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

I had become very bored with myself--hence my lack of blogging. I've also been feeling like I've been spending a little too much time with other people's blogs instead of accomplishing something. I have a problem with inertia anyway, and if I'm sitting at the computer reading, I tend to stay there quite awhile. It's also hit me that I've been going pretty far afield of my original intent, which was to chronicle my IVF for my future child(ren), and since that wasn't a success and other things started to come apart (my employment status and financial stability), I've been preoccupied with that, not that there's anything wrong with that!

So...to update, no job yet. Except for the money part, I'm not sad to have a little time to myself. It will get old soon, though. I am doing a little freelance work with a video company, helping with a satellite teaching broadcast every 2 weeks. It's good to get out of the house and do something like that, plus it can go on my resume. I sent out a resume last week that I'm hopeful about, but I haven't had a reply yet. It's an Exec. Admin. Asst. position, and I was trying to get away from the Admin positions, but this might be different. It's with a large company less than 2 miles where I live. I think it would probably pay pretty well, at least compared to my old position, and I feel that the opportunities for advancement would be there. I'm going to call or email to follow up tomorrow.

There's a local adoption fair on February 1st, but I'm not sure whether to plan to go or not. There was one in another town that I'd wanted to attend in the fall, but G didn't think there was any point since we couldn't afford to start anything yet. I agreed, but wanted to go anyway. I want to go this one, at least for awhile, but won't be able to stay long, as it's my grandmother's 94th birthday. She's been going downhill for the last few months, and it's important for me to go.

That's it for the most part. I've been missing reading about everyone, so I'll skim through some blogs, and check back in here every few days.