So, when are you going to have a baby?

While...

2005-11-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

-I'm still feeling sorry for myself
-I'm still a malcontent--a job-hating doof
-I'm still extremely, irritatingly, mind-numbingly restless

I'm happy to report that one of my very good friends has proved that IVF can work. She had one failed go-round this summer, and wasn't planning another, but gave in to the urge. Of course, she lives in Illinois where health insurance laws are much kinder to the infertile, but she found out Monday, 5 days after her 43rd birthday, that she got a Halloween treat this year. And of course, I'm hoping to follow my fellow 40-year-old Brooke Shields in finding out that after years of infertility, voila, I can get pregnant, too. Ya never know. Also, hopefully getting slowly closer to setting adoption wheels in motion. I'll be back.

Taking a break again

2005-06-05T21:54:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to stop for awhile again, maybe for a few weeks, maybe longer. Reading blogs, blogging, etc. It's just difficult to feel everyone else is moving forward and we're just stuck. We're in our 40s and we just can't get on our feet. G has quit working for the employer for whom he did the majority of his work. He really never should've worked for them in the first place, they're often pretty shady. They're also our insurance agent, and they've really never done anything but take our money. I'm glad he's quit them, but I'm not sure what's next. It may be fabulous, and I can only hope so, but right now, it just feels like another in a very long series of blows. If I believed in that sort of thing, I'd say our house is cursed. It certainly seems to attract piles and piles of junk. My grandmother was sort of a pack rat, and one day, my grandfather called my mother crying because of all the stuff in the house. He wasn't the sort to do that kind of thing, and my mother and father were quite worried, and came to the house (they live 30 miles away) under the pretense that they were out shopping and just decided to stop by. My grandfather was fine by then and never had another similar episode, that we know of. I've felt the same way. G has so much stuff related to all of his hobbies that I often don't feel there's room for me here. And I hate it here. I always have. 9 years of living in a house I don't like. I try to make it better, but the improvements never last. Maybe we can find jobs elsewhere and just go. I just don't know and I feel so lost and tired.
I also feel like it's just not meant for us to have a family. I was 29 before I found someone to love, and he'd had a vasectomy. We had that taken care of, but no baby. By a couple of years later, I knew there must be more cause, so we did the IVFs, and the lap. And so, tried to move on to adoption. But every time we get close to being able to start, something else happens. My employer goes under. My car gets crashed. I know adoption can happen without lots of money, but probably not the way I want. And we wouldn't be able to give our kids the things they'd want.

I know I'll feel better in the morning. I've been scrubbing the kitchen floor, and cleaning our house always depresses me, because I see how much more there is to be done. I'll be over that in awhile. When we were on our way to Cleveland last weekend, there were rainbows in the sky for a lot of our drive, and I felt they meant something good. I still hope so.

Bad News? Good News? The suspense is killing me

2005-05-31T10:15:00.000-04:00

So, Friday morning at 12:50a.m. when we'd been asleep for about an hour, we heard a commotion outside. In my grogginess, I realized I heard a car alarm, but it took a bit for it to register that it might be mine. Of course, it was. G. looked outside and told me to call the police, because my car was either gone or had been knocked down the street. It turns out that it had been knocked across the street, and was sitting, facing the street, in the yard of an apartment building. It's quite pretty, I'll try to post some photos. The driver's side headlight and surrounding area are completely f--ked, and the back is bashed in, too. I'm REALLY hoping the insurance company will total it, because it will never be the same. The dimwit who smashed the car sure seemed like he was on something, but EMS cleared him of being drunk. He supposedly asked our neighbor across the street for a ride somewhere right after he hit my car, an attempt to flee, I suppose. He doesn't seem to have insurance, and he had taken his grandmother's car (without her permission) and SHE doesn't have insurance. Our aforementioned neighbor (who had her 6 year old daughter out with her at 1 a.m., walking across the glass-littered street in SANDALS) wound up giving the guy a ride home (?!!?). She told G. it was about an hour before the guy, with a cup of coffee poured down him, was coherent enough to be able to tell her and whoever was with her where he lived. My mother offered the helpful advice, "well, you shouldn't have parked it on the street." No shit, Mom. G. has the @#$%^ boat he built a few years ago but which has never seen water at the back of our drive. He always parks in the driveway because he's afraid his tools will be stolen, never mind that my car is much more valuable than his truck. Oh, and since some of his tools got stolen anyway this security plan didn't work that well, did it? We've been wanting to build a garage for years, but one thing or another always gets in the way. I've always had visions of someone hitting my car, but driving away, and us never finding out what happened. We got the guy this time, but it may be moot. I guess my inusrance company could do something to recover the loss--attach his wages (if he has any) or something. Our independent agent, G's main employer, is afraid we'll get dropped from our (crappy) company if they have to pay this claim. We had a claim a couple of years ago when I hit G's truck in the driveway (long day, lots of driving, attended a concert, NO DRINKING INVOLVED, just too tired to drive). If they drop us because of this, which was not our fault as WE WERE IN BED, we'll sue.

If they total it, it could honestly be a good thing. I've been thinking as soon as the car's paid off, we could start paying for adoption applications, home studies, etc. My car had low mileage and we could clear about $12,000 after loan payoff. If that's the case, I'll try to find a decent used car for about 10K and have some left over to get us jumpstarted in adoption. We'll see. As I told G, I never loved my car, but I did like it. I just need something reliable to get around in that will hold a car seat and a stroller ;).

In my closet

2005-05-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

I know that barring hitting Powerball, moving to another state, or getting a job in the state with insurance that covers infertility, I will not be doing IVF or probably any other treatment again. So why do I have leftover PIO, needles, and a shoot-me-up travel kit in my closet? Well, yes, I know it would be a bad idea to just put a bunch of hypodermics out for Waste Management to pick up, but I could give them to a doctor's office, donate them to a clinic or something. But they're in my closet. Inertia? Self-punishment? Misguided wishful thinking? Whenever I think about getting rid of the paraphernalia I think, "no, I'll just hang onto it a little longer." It'll come in handy when I start my habit, I guess.

Wonder if it was a mustang

2005-05-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

Of course, this guy IS from Kentucky.

Enough Already

2005-05-16T17:16:00.000-04:00

Liquor's quicker, but...

2005-05-12T12:46:00.000-04:00

Creme Savers Tropicals rock! They say "Limited Edition" on the package. Mango and cream, Bananas and cream, and pina colada--all pretty tasty!

Now back to your regular programming...

Spooky

2005-05-12T11:50:00.000-04:00

I told G while we were at a Derby party the other day, that I could hear the announcer saying "it's Giacamo, Giacamo!" This was before the race, and yes, I did bet the horse. I never usually bet horses to place, but unfortunately I did this time, and the limit for place horses at this party was 8-1. If I'd bet him to win, I'd have gotten 40-1 odds, still not the 50-1 he paid at the track. Still, my premonition paid off.

Back in November, I had an interview with one of the largest ad/PR agencies in the state, and was very hopeful going in, but as soon as I walked in the lobby of the building, I was slammed with the feeling I was never going to work there. It didn't affect my interview, in fact, it may have made me more relaxed. I was disappointed a couple of weeks later when I found that I didn't get the job, but not shocked or devastated, because I'd already known.

Right now I have the feeling I'm not going to be at my current job a lot longer, because something better's a -comin'. It may be wishful thinking this time, though. We'll see.

Not My Day

2005-05-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

The picture disk I picked up from Mei*er this morning after dropping off a disposable camera yesterday has no pictures, although the little thumbnails they gave me look fine. I'm going to have to go back. The tire I had fixed Monday afternoon is flat again. I'm going to have to go back. I have cramps, just in time for Mother's Day. Whine, whimper.

Not to Worry

2005-05-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

Worrying comes naturally for me, as I come from a long line of worryers. OK, a line of 2 before me, but it could go back farther than that. My grandmother worried all the time. I loved to go spend the night with her at her apartment, because we played card games , watched soap operas, recited nursery rhymes and Bible verses, and she let me stay up late and drink coffee in the morning (OK, mostly milk and sugar with a little coffee thrown in, but it WAS coffee). However, I really didn't like it when she came to babysit at our house. We couldn't do much of anything when she was there. She didn't want us to ride our bikes or go outside at all . Granted, she had osteoporosis, although we didn't know what it was called at the time, and couldn't have come running to help us if anything had happened, but my mother certainly wasn't outside with us all the time. Now this was over 30 years ago when tales of kids getting snatched or molested by strangers were more anecdotal than today, and it made no sense to us that we couldn't go play. She worried about plenty of other things over the years, particularly my sister and me. At some point someone who worked at her nursing home said he'd heard that one of us had been arrested or gotten into trouble over drugs. Now, if you knew us, especially me, you'd know this was a pretty hilarious accusation. And you'd think my grandmother, knowing us, and again, especially me, would've leapt to our defense. But the worryer in her let that little doubt in, I guess.

I didn't tell Mama' about G having had a vasectomy before we met, nor did I tell her when he had it reversed. A few years after we married, she started saying, "well, I guess you're not going to have children, or you would have by now." To her credit, she didn't really ask if we were trying, but she did make various comments. One time I'd finally had enough, so I told her that G'd had a vasectomy, but had had it reversed, so we might or might not have kids--but it wasn't looking good. She pretty much hit the mute button on that subject at that point. I told my parents I'd told her, and Dad (the other worryer) freaked out. I didn't see the big deal--she knew G had been married before. I guess Dad and Mom were afraid they'd have to discuss it with her a lot. When we started doing IVF the first time, Mom and Dad told Mama'. This time, I freaked. I really wasn't planning on discussing it with her until I was pregnant. At one visit she and I were talking about the IVF a little, and she said, "what if it's black"? I thought I must have misheard her and said "What?!?" She said, "what if it's black?" I never found my grandmother to be racist, at least not overtly so, although there were some tendencies, growing up when and where she did. And why this would've been her main concern, I don't know. Why not "what if it has 3 heads?", or "what if it's shaped like a petri dish?" It was funny and sad all at the same time. I explained, gently, that it would be G's baby, or we wouldn't have been doing it. She had taken my prior explanation about the slight chance of our getting pregnant on our own to mean NO chance. I told her about the low count, etc. She said well, she just didn't understand it all. I told her I didn't, either. After all, she was 92, and although I've gone through the process twice, and know that the people who've been successful have children who are VERY REAL, the whole thing does still smack a little of science fiction. I just found what she chose to worry about pretty odd that time. (Yes, I know, the appropriate answer to her question would have probably been, "What if it is?" It just didn't really seem necessary. And the answer is, she would've loved it, just as much as her other great-granddaughter and great-grandson. She really would have.)

My dad worries about everything, too. Every time he and Mom go on vacation, he reminds me where he's put their will. If I go to their home which is 30 miles away and highway all the way with no scary twists or turns -- very easy drive, I'm always expected to call and let them know I got there if G's not home. It makes my sister angry to have to do it when her husband is out of town, but I figure it's easier just to make him happy. G doesn't like going out to eat with Dad (and it's really not that much fun), because the whole drive to a restaurant, he's worried about finding a parking place. Then about getting in and getting a table. Then something else. He did come by it honestly.

I used to worry a lot. When I was around 10, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and lie awake for a long time, it seemed like hours, and worry about tornadoes, fires, robbers, earthquakes, you name it, it kept me up. I'd look out the window and hope the sun was about to come up. I didn't tell Mom and Dad until years later. I don't know what they would've done, but I'm sure they would've at least tried to reassure me. I've had other, more tangible worries over the years, and now they're usually money-related, but even there, I'm letting more of it go. Worrying isn't going to change it, make it better or get me a better salary or job. Or turn my gray hairs back to reddishy, auburny, brown. And things usually work out. Last week, I was worried at work. We had a large group of volunteers coming to do some work initially planned for outside. It became apparent as the week wore on that the weather was not going to allow them to paint the large storage shed or plant petunias, as we'd hoped. The alternative was to paint an office. We had 28-30 volunteers to paint AN OFFICE. My boss wasn't going to be here and I was feeling ill about the whole thing. I told her about my concern, and she told me they were also to paint another office and a short hallway. I felt better, but still, 2 offices and a hall for all those people? The company (let's call it Brown) is big on corporate giving and volunteerism. Some of their grants are tied to volunteer hours. I was just concerned that if they got here and didn't have enough to do, they'd never come back. NEVER. Well, of course, I didn't really need to worry. First of all, they only brought 19 people, which was still a fabulous number. One group was able to do a bit of weeding before the rain really kicked in. We had the above areas for them to paint, plus an empty client room in our assisted living area. And one of the aforementioned offices was actually 2 fairly large rooms, so the group had plenty to do. I fumed and worried for nothing. I hope this is not a trait my future children pick up from me or Dad. Geez, now I'm worried again.

Cold Turkey

2005-05-03T14:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't played any computer games since Thursday afternoon. Sad that I'm charting this, no? I'll take my victories where I can get them. It's amazing how many times I've started to open a game, but then stopped myself. It is kind of like a drug, I think, although never having had any physical addictions, I'm not sure. I've tried to stop before, but then I'll say, "oh, I'll just play one, no, two games. Wait, I'll play for 20 minutes, or OK, I can play a half hour, but no more." Two hours later, G has been in bed for an hour, my eyes are so dry I can't blink, my cats are starving, and I'm saying "this is the ABSOLUTE last game tonight". Sometimes I'll burn myself out on a game, and then learn another, and so the cycle begins again. I asked myself sometime last year, "if I were looking back over my life, would I want to sit and watch myself play those games again? Are those my proudest moments?" Well, sure, when I get my personal high score... It must stop. It makes me sad when I think how much time I've wasted on that crap. I'm not geting any younger, and I can't get my time back. And so, another fresh start--5 days and counting!

Whew

2005-05-03T09:03:00.000-04:00

Thank God they're not from Kentucky.

One step forward, two steps..you get the picture

2005-05-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

I got home Wednesday and my friend, who was to meet me to go to a show was already at my house, talking to G. When I came in, she said, "I'm so sorry for you guys". I suppose I gave her a pretty odd look, and she said to G, "you haven't told her yet?" He said he may be out of business. Now, this is something I've heard before from him, as he tends to exaggerate a bit. He then told me all his tools had been stolen, which made me think his truck had been robbed. It turns out he was referring to the tools he stores in a barn behind the business for which he does most of his work. I told my friend when we were at dinner that it may not be as bad as G made it out to be, and let her know he's overstated things in the past. When I got home that night, he said some of the things he thought were missing were actually in our basement, and some things were in the shed. On the other hand, he did notice that there were more things gone than he originally believed. His insurance will cover some things, but some people just suck. Really, really suck! Hopefully this will push him to make a good inventory list and take photos of EVERYTHING. I don't know how he's been running a business without it. Argh.

TV

2005-04-21T09:43:00.000-04:00

I don't watch the reality shows, although "Amazing Race" does sound interesting, and I want to get G on "Survivor"--he'd probably do very well. I used to love Star Search back in the 80s, but can't bring myself to watch more than a few minutes of "American Idol" at a time. However, from what I've seen, I'm really sorry Anwar is gone. He's a hottie, and I find him to be more "idol"ish star material than any of the others. I caught a few moments of Carrie's performance the other night, and couldn't understand why they thought it was good. She's also pretty stiff on stage.

I wish people would watch the shows I like. Sure, I like "Desperate Housewives" and "Lost" and they're doing ratings-wise, but I'm soooo sick of all the hype. I remember when the little (formerly known as Close-Up) boxes in TV Guide used to be reserved for special episodes of shows, but those shows get a box every week, not to mention article after article and interview after interview on every TV network. My favorite shows few are watching are "Scrubs" and "Arrested Development". I enjoy a comedy without a laugh track. I don't need to be told when to laugh. "Scrubs" was renewed for 2 years at the end of last season, so I guess it'll be back next year, but I don't hold out much hope for "Arrested Development". It makes me so sad that "The Apprentice" goes on, despite the repugnant Mr. T, and "American Idol" sometimes gets 3 nights (!!) a week, but clever, intelligent, original writing gets no notice from viewers.

Been thinkin'...

2005-04-18T16:35:00.000-04:00

like many, about this pharmacists and birth control thing. I guess I just wonder why some of these people got into that line of work in the first place. It's a scientific field. If we follow through with the anti-birth control line of thought, should we have prescription medicine at all? Do any pharmacists have a moral dilemma when dispensing Vi*gra? Maybe it's God's plan that we have high blood pressure and not try to control it. Maybe we shouldn't take ibuprofen or any other painkillers and should just smile through pain. And with that logic, we probably shouldn't have surgery. I suppose I should've died several years back since my gall bladder most likely would've exploded had I not had it out. While we're at it, let's be like the Amish, because God surely must not have meant us to have electricity, or cars. He must not have intended us to use our brains, the ones He gave us.

Bonus!

2005-04-13T09:32:00.000-04:00

It's fun to be 40! Yesterday at my exam, I got an extra poke, one my GYN said would make Katie Couric happy (I love my dr.). She also wrote an order for a mammogram, which I knew was coming. I had one at 35, so it's not a big deal. My dr. is leaving her current practice, the second she's been with since I've seeing her, and going into a gynecology-only practice with another doctor. I won't have to run into all the preggers that way. And, if by a miracle I get pregnant, I can just go back to that practice. I'm nothing if not ever hopeful.

The visit was pretty entertaining, as she came into the exam room wheeling a computer. They have a new system for ALL of your medical info. My RE hadn't forwarded her the info about my second IVF and my lap of a year and a half ago. He'd sent the first results, maybe he was too sad the second time. This computer program is pretty thorough. I've been having an irritation problem and she said the skin in that area looked a bit paler and thinner, possibly a result of all the fertility drugs. Well, yay. She noted this in my chart and then typed "SEE DIAGRAM." After typing, she pulled up a picture of a naked woman, and commented on her hairless (except for her head) state. She then goosed (her word) the picture's nether region with the cursor, which brought up the woman's hairless splayed glory. She used the cursor to indicate my thin-skinned lip, and was able to make it the approximate color.

"Picture b*ok,

Pictures of my c*oter,
On my gyno's 'puter,
Just a day ago."

Rock and Roll!!!

2005-04-12T09:10:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to plan a trip to Cleveland to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame over Memorial Day weekend, but am waiting to see how bad our tax bills will be. I started to plan this trip a couple of years ago when I thought I'd be asking for a raise, but that's when the bottom started to crumble away from the company where I was working. We haven't had a vacation trip for over two years, and I could really use one. The botanical garden in Cleveland has a big flower show that weekend that I believe G would really enjoy. Here's hoping the accountant does a great job keeping what we owe low, low, low!

I've seen most of my favorite groups/singers in concert, but have never seen Eric Carmen, whom I love. I was too young to appreciate his group, the Raspberries, when they were popular. I was only about 7 when they started getting popular, and at that point I was into Donny Osmond, the Partridge Family and the Monkees still, even though they had broken up a few years before. I fell in love with the song "Never Gonna Fall in Love Again" when I was 11, and became an Eric Carmen fan. He performed with the "Dirty Dancing" tour, but hasn't done any real touring that I know of, and I certainly never dreamed the Raspberries would reunite. I found out, too late, that they had, to do a couple of weekend shows in Cleveland (their hometown) over Thanksgiving weekend, or we could have gone then. By the time I found out it was sold out. Even after 30 years, they apparently have rabid fans, and they're doing some scattered shows now. They had a show in Chicago that I also missed, and will be in NYC and Denver. I have a good friend in Colorado Springs, and I'm tempted to go out and visit and see if she wants to go with me, but if I did that I'd have to offer to pay for her ticket, and she'd have to get a sitter (her husband's in Iraq). Plus, there'd be the plane ticket, rental car, etc. So unless I get a windfall, no Raspberries for me, unless they come a little closer to here.

Lazy

2005-04-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

I am very, very lazy. Hence, the lack of entries. If you saw my house, you'd agree about the indolence. Heck, you'd probably say I needed professional help (housekeeping, organizing, deep, mind-probing counseling) and I do. I sheepishly called our accountants the other day and asked if we could bring our info today, and the smiling receptionist said "Sure!" I'm sure they hate us now. I used to do our taxes, which inspired headaches and crying jags, mainly after G started his own business. When I had my game show winnings to include, I insisted we use an accountant, and G was so pleased with the results that we've continued using them, even though I probably could have done it with Turbotax last year. This year's forms are so scary, with my multitude of W-2s and 1099s, that I didn't want to chance it. Hopefully G has everything turned in by now.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday literally shoveling out insulation that G pumped into our attic a couple of months ago. We'd never cleaned up the excess, because I was too lazy until yesterday. I think it's kind of funny that the insulation is made of recycled newspaper--makes me feel good and green (the good kind of green). I'm sure it gives conservatives in my community a lot of pleasure to think they were using the grindings of our local newspaper to plug up holes in their houses. There's still so much to do. G's sister is hounding him to help her at her house, and he's futzing with the garden and other things that he wants done, so he's telling her he'll help her when he finishes his giant list. I told him to tell her I'm leaving him if he works on her house before our bedroom is done. I bought border paper 2 months ago and paint about 3 weeks ago, and I can't get him to finish sanding and prepping our walls for paint. Sigh.

First visit to my portal maintenance tech in two years tomorrow. I'm making a list of things to ask her about, all probably due to pre-menopause. My previous 2 cycles had been 27 days, and I was hoping this one would be the same, so everything would be all spic and span for the stirrups, but of course, this month it didn't come 'til Day 29. I suppose she's seen worse.

Minty Fresh

2005-04-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

I love this, and not just because there's a song called "Tracy Hide", which is lovely. The link actually has the wrong album title, it's supposed to be self-titled. If you like Beatlesque-Brian Wilson-pop, this is so cool. Problem is, it's about 10 years old and an import, so picking it up will probably require going through Amazon, ebay, or finding it in a bin at your favorite used record store. I'm a huge Raspberries/Eric Carmen fan, and the Wondermints must be, too.

Oh, I guess all is now safe. UK lost. Damn. Double overtime. Double damn.

Warning, warning

2005-03-25T16:55:00.000-05:00

A battle of epic proportions is possible. It could happen April 4th. Much rioting and carnage would ensue. It's not WWIII. There is a possibility the University of Kentucky (UK) and the University of Louisville (U of L) could play in the NCAA Men's final game. This would result in much trash talking, car tipping, bar fighting, you name it. It could be very exciting, but very scary and I fear for my life. Hopfully UK will keep their hopes alive tonight, but my intuition's saying they'll be out. Stay tuned, sports fans...

Green

2005-03-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about jealousy since Karen ran a poll on her website and one of the questions was "Are you jealous of me?" Well, duh, of course I am, she's a cutie. Not seriously jealous, but a wee bit. Watching TV brought out the old green-eyed monster this morning, though. Where does that term originate anyway? Are people with green eyes jealous of others? Are we supposed to be jealous of people with green eyes? Because my blue eyes are one of the things about my appearance that actually make me happy. Back to who actually made me jealous this morning.

Ken Jennings. He's on yet another commercial. There again, I'm not REALLY jealous, but he has turned his Jeopardy! appearances into a whole career. He's got a book deal, at least two national commercials plus all the dough he won. Someone asked me the other day how I would've done against him and I said he would've wiped the floor with me, most days, anyway. You couldn't win continuously when I was on, which is moot anyway, since I lost on my 3rd appearance. If I hadn't, I might be on the current big-ass tournament they're running. I have gotten some minor celebrity from it, and even got a mention last month in my hometown newspaper's editorial section last month, and it's been more than 3 years since I was on the show. I got the full treatment then, radio appearances, colums about me in the local newspaper and alternative paper, and articles and photos in the hometown paper.
The chick who stole my last fulltime broadcasting job. OK, she didn't steal it, she didn't hire herself, of course. Apparently my position was available, I just didn't know it until I was axed. This lady gets lots of voiceover work and I heard one of her TV spots in the same break with the Ken commercial. She also sings and got to sing on the CD the station released at Christmas, something I'd thought we could do several years ago, and I wanted to sing. Actually, I'd been thinking more in terms of a concert, but same thing. Sometimes it just feels like "anything I can do, she can do better." Not true, but it feels that way.

I 'm also somewhat jealous of anyone who figures out a way to work from home and make a decent living that way. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

My Syndrome of the Week

2005-03-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

ABH, as in Anywhere But Here. Midlife crisis, you say? Possibly. Mild depression? Could be. Stupidity? Most assuredly. I'm itching to go somewhere. I've lived within 120 miles of here all my life. I was born about 30 miles away, went to a state university, and my first job was about 45 miles on the other side of my hometown. I had the opportunity to move one state away, to Ohio, 13 years ago, but I gave it up for a slight promotion and pay raise where I was. I'd have made a lot more if I moved, but I told myself, "money isn't everything." Plus, if I'd moved, I may not have met G. I told G a couple of weeks ago that I'd like to move to California and he just said, "why?" I dunno. And it's not California, necessarily, I really just pulled that one out of a hat. I do feel very restless, which may be attributable to my next syndrome...

CBH: Can't Be Happy. 2 months ago I was telling myself there was no downside to this job. Wrong! I do not like it, Sam I Am. I don't want to be unhappy, though. I don't want to whine about another job because I know no one wants to hear it, least of all me. It's Karma, I'm sure. My mother has a good friend, a wonderful woman. Growing up in my sheltered, smalltown world, she was the most bohemian person I knew. I love her, but used to look down on her a bit because I thought she flitted from job to job--"I think I'll try this this week." Little did I know my resume would wind up looking like a menu at TGI Friday's (the old, book-style ones).

Getting past it

2005-03-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

Something very nifty happened yesterday. I stopped being jealous of people doing IVF, or anything ART-related. I 've never seethed with anger over hearing about people being successful, but felt very wistful and thought, "if I could just try again..." I think it was getting an issue of Infertility Times in the mail yesterday. I don't know why, but something about the ads just PISSED ME OFF! Nothing concrete, nothing I can spill out to you, but yesterday put the finishing touches on everything for me. One of my friends is just starting the process and feeling nervous, and I can just be happy and hopeful for her, because I'm done. This is not to say that if I won Powerball on Saturday I wouldn't try it again. I would. Probably a couple more times, if money were no object. I'm also not going to say I'm not hoping that it'll just happen, because I am, and it could. I'm letting go of it a little all the time, though, and I do feel I've turned a corner. And it's good.

Guilt Raffle

2005-03-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

In the Assisted Living center at my workplace, there's a sign posted. Walking up to it the other day, I thought it said "Guilt Raffle." It, of course, actually said "Quilt Raffle." It got me thinking, though. Is there anyone's guilt you'd buy a ticket for? I mean, I wonder if Bill Gates ever feels any guilt over having all that money. I'd be willing to assume a little of that guilt, along with some of the money, of course. I don't feel a lot of guilt generally. For a good while, I had a secret shame in that I hadn't actually graduated from college, but I let people think I had. For the record, I only lacked a couple of hours, which I finally completed, and since 2003 I have been the official possessor of a diploma that says I am a B.A. For the past couple of weeks, I have borne the guilt over an incident that I'm not even ready to blog about because it was BAD. The initial act wasn't my fault, but the follow-up or lack thereof was my fault. I'd love to raffle that one. I'd give the money to a worthwhile cause. Really, I would.

A Toe in the Water

2005-03-09T12:46:00.000-05:00

I've registered on the Adoption.com forums and have questions out to some members. I've downloaded an application from the agency we may use. Wow!!